We've been home with our son for about 6 weeks now. We were just talking about a few of the changes we've seen in him since getting home. While in Hong Kong and when we first arrived home he ground his teeth a lot. They said that was normal for him. Just the other day we realized that we haven't heard him grinding his teeth in quite some time. I don't know exactly what that means, but we think it's a good thing. :) In the beginning he didn't want to be put down in the grass in the backyard (it is dry and prickly, so who could blame him). We could tell being out in the yard was stressful for him. Now, he's still a little slow to get down, but as long as he has his shoes on he soon wants out of our arms to get to the sandbox or little playhouse we have.
When he first came home he would fall and we'd think "Ow, that had to hurt" but he had no reaction. He'd just get back up and act like nothing happened. Now, he reacts. It's not an overreaction, but he cries and comes to seek us for comfort. For those who know a little bit about attachment in adoption, you'll know that's a great sign for attachment. At the beginning we were still strangers. He didn't know how we'd react, but now he knows we're here to comfort him. After a hug, kiss and little snuggle he's ready to hop down and resume playing.
It was also interesting to see the big difference in how adoptive parents reacted vs people who haven't adopted. The adoptive parents would always ask permission to hold him and even touch him. If I said yes, they were still hesitant. We're learning that part of his personality is to be friendly and if he's not tired he'll usually go to people outside our family. At the beginning of an adoption this is actually quite stressful as an adoptive parent, but most people tend to think this is a good sign. Why is it stressful? Because attachment in adoption is a really important aspect in forming healthy relationships. In extreme cases a child can develop Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) where they are charming to everyone around them except to the person or people they should attach to. Because of past hurt or neglect in the area of attachment, in order to protect themselves from being hurt by their adoptive parents they will do everything to push them away. If the child has learned to attach to a care giver, as our son did with his foster mother, they tend to have less problem attaching after adoption. Thankfully, our little guy seems to be doing well in attaching to us, but in the beginning we weren't sure how that process would go.
All three of our older children are "typical," meaning they do not have disabilities. I wondered how our life would change when we brought our son home. Would Down Syndrome be a large part of our lives? How different would it be to have a child with a disability? We are not very far into this journey, but DS has not played a significant role in our daily lives. He'll start therapies soon, so we'll find ways to accommodate those into our schedule, but day to day he is not our son with DS. He is simply our son. Our son who likes to hop right in a good wrestling match with his older siblings. Our son who finds it fun to yank on his big sister's ponytails. Our son who happily pushes boxes around the dining room. Our son who makes changing his clothes like wrestling an alligator. Our son who wants to snuggle when he gets tired. Our son who gives us so much joy as do all of our children.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Good and Best
I wrote this in my journal a couple months before bringing our son home. He has indeed added strength to our family and helped remind us of the important things in life. I am so thankful to have him apart of our family.
The severe neglect was evident to me as a 21 year old college student volunteering in an orphanage in the former Soviet Union. Babies were not held with a care giver gazing into their eyes while drinking from a bottle. The bottle, instead, was propped against the steel bars of the metal crib. A few of the older children were receiving treatment from foreign doctors for club feet. The majority of the disabilities were ignored. No medical treatment, no therapies to help them progress. Children lay in wet and soiled diapers for far too long. Human touch and love were withheld which caused some of the children to clamor for the attention of the volunteers while others recoiled even at our presence. At the time I thought most of the older children were between two and four years old. Today, as I've followed along the journey of sweet Katie, adopted as an 11 pound 9 year old, I realize that many of the kids could have in fact been 8, 10, 12 years old, the effects of severe neglect stunting their growth.
When it was time to officially begin our adoption journey both my husband and I felt God leading us to Hong Kong. We were interested in adopting a child with special needs and HK primarily adopts children internationally with special needs. When we received our son's profile we realized that God had prompted me to pray for him over a year before during a critical time in his life and the life of his birth mother. We have learned that the English name we have chosen combined with the Cantonese name his birth parents gave him means "add strength" in Cantonese. The kind lady helping us learn the meaning of his name said God knew he was our son and prompted us in his name because he will add strength to our family. I know he is our son. I have seen God leading him to us and yet sometimes I have wondered. Hong Kong takes very good care of the children in the custody of the state. Medical issues are addressed, therapies are given and the children in an orphanage setting are loved by their care givers. Many children, like our son, are in a family setting cared for by foster parents. They are not neglected. I have wondered why God would lead us to a child who is receiving good care when there are so many children who are suffering the effects of severe neglect. And as has happened many times in this adoption journey God showed me how this physical process of adoption parallels a spiritual truth. You see, while a temporary foster family is good, a permanent forever family is best. Children in both situations are in need of permanent, loving, forever families.
This is true is a spiritual sense. We all know someone whose life mirrors the life of the neglected orphan. The pain, the fear and the neglect are obvious as is the need for rescue from a life that is seemingly so hopeless. There is a need to be adopted into God's family.
There are also many of us whose life reflects the life of my son. Our lives are full of good. We cultivate our talents. The need for something more is not immediately obvious, but yet something is missing. Our good is not God's best. There is far more that He has for all who will ask and follow. He wants us all to be apart of His family.
The severe neglect was evident to me as a 21 year old college student volunteering in an orphanage in the former Soviet Union. Babies were not held with a care giver gazing into their eyes while drinking from a bottle. The bottle, instead, was propped against the steel bars of the metal crib. A few of the older children were receiving treatment from foreign doctors for club feet. The majority of the disabilities were ignored. No medical treatment, no therapies to help them progress. Children lay in wet and soiled diapers for far too long. Human touch and love were withheld which caused some of the children to clamor for the attention of the volunteers while others recoiled even at our presence. At the time I thought most of the older children were between two and four years old. Today, as I've followed along the journey of sweet Katie, adopted as an 11 pound 9 year old, I realize that many of the kids could have in fact been 8, 10, 12 years old, the effects of severe neglect stunting their growth.
When it was time to officially begin our adoption journey both my husband and I felt God leading us to Hong Kong. We were interested in adopting a child with special needs and HK primarily adopts children internationally with special needs. When we received our son's profile we realized that God had prompted me to pray for him over a year before during a critical time in his life and the life of his birth mother. We have learned that the English name we have chosen combined with the Cantonese name his birth parents gave him means "add strength" in Cantonese. The kind lady helping us learn the meaning of his name said God knew he was our son and prompted us in his name because he will add strength to our family. I know he is our son. I have seen God leading him to us and yet sometimes I have wondered. Hong Kong takes very good care of the children in the custody of the state. Medical issues are addressed, therapies are given and the children in an orphanage setting are loved by their care givers. Many children, like our son, are in a family setting cared for by foster parents. They are not neglected. I have wondered why God would lead us to a child who is receiving good care when there are so many children who are suffering the effects of severe neglect. And as has happened many times in this adoption journey God showed me how this physical process of adoption parallels a spiritual truth. You see, while a temporary foster family is good, a permanent forever family is best. Children in both situations are in need of permanent, loving, forever families.
This is true is a spiritual sense. We all know someone whose life mirrors the life of the neglected orphan. The pain, the fear and the neglect are obvious as is the need for rescue from a life that is seemingly so hopeless. There is a need to be adopted into God's family.
There are also many of us whose life reflects the life of my son. Our lives are full of good. We cultivate our talents. The need for something more is not immediately obvious, but yet something is missing. Our good is not God's best. There is far more that He has for all who will ask and follow. He wants us all to be apart of His family.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
On Life
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Prior to our adoption I read with interest about the new prenatal testing to detect Down Syndrome earlier in pregnancy. My interest was more intellectual than anything at that point. While doing the paperwork end of adoption our son was still a picture, an idea, not yet a little boy in my arms. I sat today rocking him to sleep for his nap and prenatal testing is far more personal. It is talked about as a way to help parents prepare for parenting a child with Down Syndrome. To prepare for therapies and possible medical treatments that would be needed. Preparation is good, but the statistics show that a prenatal diagnosis of Down Syndrome is overwhelmingly not used for preparation, but rather termination. Up to 80-90% of the time the parents choose abortion. As I watch my son these first weeks home, those numbers strike a deep chord. The statistics are about the same in Hong Kong, his birth country. His mother did not get prenatal testing and for that I am eternally grateful. No, I do not know the choice she would have made, but I know, statistically speaking, his chance of surviving pregnancy had she known would have only been 10-20%. This is not, for me, just about the choice a woman makes, but also about the life of my son and children like him. I could be easily labeled by some as judgmental and insensitive, but what judgement is being made by these statistics. A judgement that a life with DS is a life not worth living in the eyes of so many and yet a survey done by Dr. Brian Skotko at Massachusetts General Hospital showed that "nearly 99% of people with DS indicated that they were happy with their lives, 97% liked who they are, and 96% liked how they looked." Perhaps we could learn something from people with DS. As I soak up the time I have with my little boy, I am grieving society's judgement that the obvious and understandable outcome of discovering a child has DS prenatally is termination. Perhaps it is time we as a society examine the judgements we make about living life with disability.
PS - Here are two other surveys of parents and siblings of people with Down Syndrome by Dr. Brian Skotko.
Having a Son or Daughter With Down Syndrome: Perspectives From Mothers and Fathers
Having a Brother or Sister with Down Syndrome: Perspectives From Siblings
Friday, July 5, 2013
Welcome Home
We are home from Hong Kong with our little son! :) I can not express how good it feels to say that after 18 months of paperwork. There's still some paperwork to be done, but we can snuggle our little guy first and then get it done.
The trip over went well. Our oldest son traveled with us and did a great job. He struggled with trying new foods, but we anticipated that and brought along things for him to eat. Sunday, the three of us went to Hong Kong Disneyland. It's been awhile since I've been to Disneyland and it was every bit as fun as I remember. It's not nearly as big there, so was easily seen in a day. Jet lag set in mid afternoon, so we boarded the Disney train to catch the MTR (subway system) back to the hotel.
Monday morning we met the social worker and she took us to the foster home. I wasn't sure how he'd react, so just planned to take things slowly, but the first thing I walked in the door and he wanted to be picked up. Then my hubby walked in and my little guy wouldn't take his eyes off of Daddy. After a few minutes he decided he wanted Daddy to hold him and quickly began inspecting his goatee. That was quite interesting for a few days. His foster mother got out the photo album we sent with pictures of our family. Our oldest son was sitting beside him and when he got to a picture of his big brother he pointed to the picture and then poked his big brother. We stayed at the foster home for several hours and then took him out with the social worker to lunch. Since Daddy seemed to be the most interesting, Daddy carried him out. Leaving his foster home was not easy. Daddy said he was sobbing. It was also about nap time, so that probably didn't help, but he finally went to sleep and slept most of the time we were out.
Tuesday we went back to the foster family's apartment to pick him up and bring him back to the hotel room. The social worker wanted him to see where he would be staying before he stayed over night. Again, it was nap time, so he slept most of our time together.
Wednesday we again boarded the double decker bus for the hour long trip to the foster family's apartment to meet with another social worker to sign papers and bring him back to stay with us the rest of our time. When we walked in the door he was on the couch across the room. He hopped off immediately and came walking over to us with a big grin. One of his foster sister's is in her 20's and was there that day. She had a particularly hard time saying goodbye and his foster mother did as well once it was time to leave. Although adoption is a wonderful thing, there is loss involved and it is difficult to see that loss. I am so grateful to his foster family for the love and care they gave him for most of his life.
We had originally planned to leave on Saturday, but ticket prices were crazy expensive that day, so we stayed until Sunday. The rest of our time with him went well. He slept like a rock, well, a very wiggly rock. We wondered how eating would go, but he's not a very picky eater and he enjoyed playing with us. Wednesday evening I taught him how to sign "more" and Friday morning he grabbed a box of toddler snacks, sat down and signed "more."
We are home now and slowly getting over jet lag. He's had a harder time sleeping here in the States, which I think is in part due to jet lag, but also to all the changes he's had in the past week. There's different sights, sounds, smells and tastes and it's a lot to take in for anyone. He loves playing with his big brothers and sisters. Today they were rolling on the floor together and afterwards our second oldest told me that he's so glad we adopted him. Our little girl has been doing pretty well him, but I anticipate she'll have the hardest time adjusting as she's no longer the baby. He thinks her pacificer is quite funny and enjoys pulling it out. Most of the time she thinks it's a fun game until bed time when she's tired and had enough. Our oldest has enjoyed playing with him and getting to carry him around.
It's only been a little over a week since we've had him and we are still trying to prepare for a time that he'll realize that he's not going back and morn what he's lost, but this initial transition has gone well. Much better than I expected. It takes him a few minutes before he's sure his eyes will open after waking up, but once he's awake a huge grin spreads across is face. He toddles around keeping himself occupied with all the fun toys on the ground and things to be discovered on the table tops (good motivation to keep the table clean!). He wants Mama to hold him when he not sure what's going on and perhaps it's wishful thinking but "Mama" has been uttered several times. At meal time when I ask if he wants more he giggles a little and that infectious smile spreads across his face as he claps his hands. He giggles in delight as he splashes in the tub and when the day is done he melts into Mama's arms as I rock him to sleep. My heart is full having all my kids home with me.
The trip over went well. Our oldest son traveled with us and did a great job. He struggled with trying new foods, but we anticipated that and brought along things for him to eat. Sunday, the three of us went to Hong Kong Disneyland. It's been awhile since I've been to Disneyland and it was every bit as fun as I remember. It's not nearly as big there, so was easily seen in a day. Jet lag set in mid afternoon, so we boarded the Disney train to catch the MTR (subway system) back to the hotel.
Monday morning we met the social worker and she took us to the foster home. I wasn't sure how he'd react, so just planned to take things slowly, but the first thing I walked in the door and he wanted to be picked up. Then my hubby walked in and my little guy wouldn't take his eyes off of Daddy. After a few minutes he decided he wanted Daddy to hold him and quickly began inspecting his goatee. That was quite interesting for a few days. His foster mother got out the photo album we sent with pictures of our family. Our oldest son was sitting beside him and when he got to a picture of his big brother he pointed to the picture and then poked his big brother. We stayed at the foster home for several hours and then took him out with the social worker to lunch. Since Daddy seemed to be the most interesting, Daddy carried him out. Leaving his foster home was not easy. Daddy said he was sobbing. It was also about nap time, so that probably didn't help, but he finally went to sleep and slept most of the time we were out.
Tuesday we went back to the foster family's apartment to pick him up and bring him back to the hotel room. The social worker wanted him to see where he would be staying before he stayed over night. Again, it was nap time, so he slept most of our time together.
Wednesday we again boarded the double decker bus for the hour long trip to the foster family's apartment to meet with another social worker to sign papers and bring him back to stay with us the rest of our time. When we walked in the door he was on the couch across the room. He hopped off immediately and came walking over to us with a big grin. One of his foster sister's is in her 20's and was there that day. She had a particularly hard time saying goodbye and his foster mother did as well once it was time to leave. Although adoption is a wonderful thing, there is loss involved and it is difficult to see that loss. I am so grateful to his foster family for the love and care they gave him for most of his life.
We had originally planned to leave on Saturday, but ticket prices were crazy expensive that day, so we stayed until Sunday. The rest of our time with him went well. He slept like a rock, well, a very wiggly rock. We wondered how eating would go, but he's not a very picky eater and he enjoyed playing with us. Wednesday evening I taught him how to sign "more" and Friday morning he grabbed a box of toddler snacks, sat down and signed "more."
We are home now and slowly getting over jet lag. He's had a harder time sleeping here in the States, which I think is in part due to jet lag, but also to all the changes he's had in the past week. There's different sights, sounds, smells and tastes and it's a lot to take in for anyone. He loves playing with his big brothers and sisters. Today they were rolling on the floor together and afterwards our second oldest told me that he's so glad we adopted him. Our little girl has been doing pretty well him, but I anticipate she'll have the hardest time adjusting as she's no longer the baby. He thinks her pacificer is quite funny and enjoys pulling it out. Most of the time she thinks it's a fun game until bed time when she's tired and had enough. Our oldest has enjoyed playing with him and getting to carry him around.
It's only been a little over a week since we've had him and we are still trying to prepare for a time that he'll realize that he's not going back and morn what he's lost, but this initial transition has gone well. Much better than I expected. It takes him a few minutes before he's sure his eyes will open after waking up, but once he's awake a huge grin spreads across is face. He toddles around keeping himself occupied with all the fun toys on the ground and things to be discovered on the table tops (good motivation to keep the table clean!). He wants Mama to hold him when he not sure what's going on and perhaps it's wishful thinking but "Mama" has been uttered several times. At meal time when I ask if he wants more he giggles a little and that infectious smile spreads across his face as he claps his hands. He giggles in delight as he splashes in the tub and when the day is done he melts into Mama's arms as I rock him to sleep. My heart is full having all my kids home with me.
Monday, June 17, 2013
After the last blog we did hear something from Hong Kong. We received the High Court Order which is the last official step needed in order get travel dates. We are headed to HK! Planes tickets have been purchased, hotels are booked, bags are being packed and butterflies are racing widely around in my stomach! I'm trying to not think about the fact that I get sick on planes. The good thing is that I'm not pregnant or nursing so I can take some meds to help curb that. We have a boy who is eagerly going through his carry-on and can't wait to play with the activities in there. He'll help bring his little brother home. Soon we'll have our baby home!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
I arrived home tonight from an unexpected visit to Idaho. I forgot how many pictures of my son I have up around the house and it broke my heart. I should not be holding pictures. I should be holding my boy. Friday came and went. Friday was yet another day we were supposed to hear that the next step in the adoption process was done. Friday we were supposed to get our travel dates. Friday came and went with silence. Perhaps tomorrow. Or perhaps not. I look at my calendar and see family events that I was not supposed to be able to attend. Maybe now I will. And while I will be happy to celebrate, they will also be reminders that I am there because my boy is not here. It is a fight every moment to not let the "what ifs" take over. I've heard adoption likened to a high risk pregnancy, only complications in this instance can make things drag on and on. And sometimes you loose your child. While I don't anticipate that happening I still feel the "what if" in the back of my mind. I've been reading 1 and 2 Corinthians and have been encouraged to see that Paul was at a place of despairing and God carried him through. I know my God is faithful through the excitement as well as the hard parts of this journey. He is holding my son even when I can not.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Longs. Waits. Pursues.
As I sat to write this post I realized that most of those reading this will know more details of our son than I gave in the one and only other post on this blog, but some may not. We received matching approval the end of November and immigration approval the end of January. We're anticipating going to pick him up some time in May, but the exact time remains to be seen. And while I can not share pictures publicly until the adoption is finalized, I can guarantee you that he is adorable! Our sweet boy is 1.5, has Down Syndrome and was described by his social worker as an active little boy who moves swiftly.
The end of our pre-adoption journey is coming to a close and the hard work of real life as a family of six will soon begin. It's a journey for me that, in one sense, has been 20+ years in the making and in the technical "paper pregnancy" sense has been 17 going on 18 months.
I just returned from a women's retreat where Kim McLean and Devon O'Day spoke. Kim briefly spoke about prevenient grace which is a technical way of speaking about the grace given us by God before we are adopted into His family. She said He longs, waits for and pursues us. Longs. Waits. Pursues. Those three words struck me as I sat there in the process of my own longing, waiting and pursuing.
In Luke 15:1-7 Jesus tells what has been called the parable of the lost sheep.
"Now the tax collectors and 'sinners' were all gathering around to hear him. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered 'This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.' Then Jesus told them this parable: 'Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."
Growing up I saw a painting of the shepherd in search of his lost sheep and to me that search was devoid of emotion. The emotion came at the finding of the sheep. The emotion was not in the process, but in the discovery. And then I heard the words longs, waits, pursues and suddenly the picture of the search was infused with emotion. My heart is full of joy with my children at home, but at the same time it aches with longing for my son who is half a world away. Our wait is not a passive wait, but is filled with preparation for his arrival. He will be our son because of a purposeful pursuit that has taken much time and effort. And so it is with God. Longs. Waits. Pursues. That is what Christ has done for those that have been adopted into His family. That is what Christ is doing right now for you who are not yet apart of His family. I have only gotten a glimpse of the depth of emotion in those three words that God feels. Stop and see His longing, His waiting and His pursuit of you.
The end of our pre-adoption journey is coming to a close and the hard work of real life as a family of six will soon begin. It's a journey for me that, in one sense, has been 20+ years in the making and in the technical "paper pregnancy" sense has been 17 going on 18 months.
I just returned from a women's retreat where Kim McLean and Devon O'Day spoke. Kim briefly spoke about prevenient grace which is a technical way of speaking about the grace given us by God before we are adopted into His family. She said He longs, waits for and pursues us. Longs. Waits. Pursues. Those three words struck me as I sat there in the process of my own longing, waiting and pursuing.
In Luke 15:1-7 Jesus tells what has been called the parable of the lost sheep.
"Now the tax collectors and 'sinners' were all gathering around to hear him. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered 'This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.' Then Jesus told them this parable: 'Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."
Growing up I saw a painting of the shepherd in search of his lost sheep and to me that search was devoid of emotion. The emotion came at the finding of the sheep. The emotion was not in the process, but in the discovery. And then I heard the words longs, waits, pursues and suddenly the picture of the search was infused with emotion. My heart is full of joy with my children at home, but at the same time it aches with longing for my son who is half a world away. Our wait is not a passive wait, but is filled with preparation for his arrival. He will be our son because of a purposeful pursuit that has taken much time and effort. And so it is with God. Longs. Waits. Pursues. That is what Christ has done for those that have been adopted into His family. That is what Christ is doing right now for you who are not yet apart of His family. I have only gotten a glimpse of the depth of emotion in those three words that God feels. Stop and see His longing, His waiting and His pursuit of you.
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