In the past few days there have been numerous news reports about baby Leo who was born in Armenia. It's been reported that his mother gave the father the ultimatum that it was her or the baby. Why? Because Leo was born with Down syndrome. His father chose to parent Leo instead of placing him in an institution. There have been many negative comments about his mother. As an adoptive mother of two children with Down syndrome here is my perspective on the situation.
In Armenia and many other countries around the world when a baby is born with a disability doctors tell the parents they can send the child to an institution. They don't need to be "burdened" in raising such a child. In our own country this happened not so long ago. Today many of our own doctors give a prenatal diagnosis of disability and in the same breath offer to schedule and abortion right away. The parents shouldn't have to be "burdened" in raising such a child. Many of the same people who are quick to demonize Leo's mom would nod their heads in silent agreement if only a few months before she had decided to have the doctor rip Leo from her womb limb by limb (for my friends who shared this story with me on FB, I absolutely know that you are not of that opinion). They think it's only fair to allow a woman pregnant with a child with a disability be given extra time to decide to abort than is given for a typical child. After all, who should be burdened by such a child. In Armenia they hide their children with disabilities behind the closed doors of an institution. We get rid of ours behind the closed doors of a doctors office. Before we have this collective rush of judgement of Leo's mom perhaps we need to examine how WE really feel about a life lived with disability.
My prayer for Leo's mom is more a prayer for her country. That they would see the value of people with disabilities. That they would develop structures to support families living with disability. That parents would be encouraged to see past the diagnosis to see their child. Perhaps Leo's life would be a catalyst for that.
My prayer for our own country is that OB's would be willing to admit that while they have the textbook knowledge of the potential problems surrounding disability, most have little contact with the people behind the label. That families would be encouraged to connect with other families who are parenting their children so they could see beyond the initial diagnosis. And if they still felt unable to parent that they be made aware of the hundreds if not thousands of families willing to adopt the child. I wish we would be as uncomfortable with an abortion rate of 60-90% for children with disabilities as we are with a scared mother living in Armenia.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Friday, February 6, 2015
Baby Girl Update
When we adopted our son internationally the children that were available for adoption had a short profile written about them. It gave what background they had about why they were orphans and some of their medical history. While waiting for our daughter domestically we would receive a brief description of birth mom's history and the known or expected medical issues of the child. In both situations some the profiles for the children were long and intimidating. The first time around some of the profiles scared us away from certain children. By the second adoption we never got to the point of saying no to a child because of their profile description. Instead we prayed that if God wanted us to adopt the child with the long medical list that he would prepare us and then we waited to see if we were chosen. My hubby and I were just saying the other day that if our baby girl were waiting to be adopted now her profile is getting longer and maybe more intimidating to some. But she's just our daughter and while the medical issues take time they aren't so intimidating now. I'm assuming some friends and family would like a little update on our baby girl, but part of me hesitates. I don't want her to be seen as a list of problems. She's our beautiful daughter and no list of medical needs makes us wish she wasn't.
So here's where we are now. She's five months old and working on rolling over. She'll get up on her side and just hang out there for awhile. I gave her a gentle push one day that sent her over on her belly and she started giggling. Tickles to the toes and those chubby little thighs will also elicit a laugh. I love baby laughs. In the evenings she's fairly talkative and will coo and babble for quite awhile. She also likes to coo to her big brothers and sister. They enjoy coming and talking with her and she just watches and talks. Nights have been quite easy with her and after having several babies that were not good sleepers, I am incredibly grateful for the gift of sleep with a baby in the house.
When I first traveled to stay with her in the NICU the doctor thought once Mommy was there she would start getting the hang of sucking from a bottle. I hoped that she might be able to nurse as well. A couple days after being with her she sucked on my finger for a good 15 minutes with a very strong consistent suck. We were all very hopeful she would continue, but that was the one and only time she did. The coordination it takes to maintain a consistent suck is just something she has not been able to get the hang of. After returning home we were able to get in to the feeding clinic. There we tried different bottles and exercises to help her get it figured out, but on a good day of feeding from a bottle she'd take 10-15 mL of formula in a day when she needs around 750 mL per day. She was seen by an ENT to make sure there were no physical anomalies to prevent her from sucking and he found nothing. It's not unusual for a child with Down syndrome to have difficulty feeding initially, but this level of difficulty for such a prolonged period is unusual. Currently she is being fed by an NG tube which enters her nose and goes down to her stomach. She could be fed this way for as long as she needs supplemental feeding, but as she's growing and moving she's also getting much better at pulling it out of her nose. There's also concern that it could cause oral aversion the longer it stays in and since she's already a little sensitive to too much oral stimulation we don't want the NG tube adding to that. So the plan is for her to have surgery in February to have a G tube placed directly into her stomach. The doctor will go in through her belly button and place a little button-like device that will sit on the outside of her skin with a small tube going directly into the stomach. Inside the stomach a small balloon inflates to keep it in place. It was a cool little contraption. Once it heals it should be difficult for her to pull out especially with a onesie on over top. She'll be able to do everything we can do with it in and we'll be able to let her hands out of her swaddle without having to worry about it getting pulled out. It's a much better long term solution for her feedings. We are expecting her to have the G tube for the next couple of years, but at this point we expect that she will begin to eat on her own and will not need the G tube for life.
I realized tonight that I am also looking forward to not having her feeding issues so visible to people. I tend to forgot about the tube because I'm so used to it, but remember how unusual it is for other people when we go out in public. I don't mind the questions, because I know we stick out. Our skin doesn't match, so people wonder about that. She has a tube in her nose and taped to her cheek which you don't see every day. It's natural that people are curious and I'm perfectly happy to answer questions, but sometimes those questions lead to pity for her and pats on the back for us. She needs no pity. Thanks to a simple medical intervention she is a healthy baby girl. I am incredibly grateful for that little tube. Then there's the stated or implied idea that we are somehow noble for "taking that on." How do I express that we haven't "taken that on" but are simply caring for our daughter. Parenthood has stretched us in ways we didn't image before having kids and each child has had their own unique sets of abilities and challenges. Learning to care for a tubie baby has been stretching at times, but that's not unusual to parenthood. I am so glad we moved from saying we could never care for a child with a feeding tube to asking God to prepare us if the child he brought needed that intervention otherwise we wouldn't have our sweet daughter. If I could make one request of you. When you see a person with an obvious disability please be willing to look past what you may think is a problem or burden to see the person in front of you. That person is more like you than different from you.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
The Journey to Our Daughter
We brought our son home from Hong Kong a little over a year ago. Not long after he came home we started talking about when to start the adoption process again. At the beginning of his adoption we knew we would adopt twice, because we wanted our adopted child to have that connection with someone else in the family. We played the name game, throwing out names for our next child. For the sake of privacy I'll say we settled on the name Sarah for a girl. Not long after that the adoption agency posted the profiles of 14 children in China with Down syndrome needing families. One little girl was Sarah. We told our kids about the children and we all prayed together to ask God to bring families for these kids. Our second son asked if we could be one of those families. We wondered the same thing so we started looking into adopting Sarah. At first it looked like it might work out, but soon realized that the door was closed to us for the time being. (In this past year every one of these kids have been taken off the waiting child list as families have started the adoption process to bring them home). At that point we decided to give our family six months to transition with a new child at home and then revisit the idea to decide of starting the adoption paperwork again. Mid-January came and I felt like I was to pray for Sarah because someone from our agency would call to ask us to adopt her. I thought this was just me being a little crazy. Stuff like that doesn't happen often and it certainly doesn't happen to us, right? But, I continued to feel like I should pray for Sarah so for the next two weeks I prayed for her, for her family and that God would prepare us if we were to adopt her. The end of January we talked about adopting again and decided that since international adoption would take a year or more we would go ahead and start the paperwork. The next day our social worker from the adoption agency contacted us about a baby due in the States with DS and the family was considering adoption. Our social worker wanted to know if we would be willing to be considered as a placement for the baby if needed. After finding out we could easily switch from a domestic home study back to an int'l one if they decided to parent, we went ahead to complete the domestic home study. That situation did not work out for us and come summer time we didn't feel quite ready for all the paperwork that would be coming for the int'l adoption process so we registered with the National Down Syndrome Adoption Network with the plan that we would go back to int'l adoption in the fall or winter. The NDSAN called several times about different children, but other families were chosen to adopt. It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster and I was figuring out that we needed to try to stay emotionally detached from these potential placements in the beginning.
Every year I take pictures of our kids at the end of summer. After taking our daughter's pictures we looked back at her photos from past years. She kept asking about where her clothes were that she wore in them. When I told her she had grown too big for them and they were in a box she said "Mommy, we need a new sister so she can wear my clothes." I told her she could pray about it without thinking much of it. A week later our social worker called. They had a baby girl in the NICU with DS that needed a family, would we like our profile shown. I said yes and when my husband got home that Tuesday evening I asked if he wanted to hear the latest situation that probably wouldn't work out. We talked a little about how we would travel and arrange things at home, but didn't expect much. Wednesday morning I was on a field trip with our kids when the social worker called back. We had been chosen as her family! It felt surreal as we arranged travel plans and child care. I flew out on Sunday to be with her. She ended up being in the NICU for just under a month and I was with her for 3 weeks. She was released with an NG tube for feeding, but otherwise seems healthy. Had you asked us last year if we would adopt an infant domestically we would have thought it unlikely, but God had other plans and we now have our beautiful daughter home with us.
On this side of the adoption, it's fun to see how God has been preparing us to bring her home. 1. At the beginning of our son's adoption we had to fill out a form about what medical conditions we were comfortable with. It's not a fun process, because we knew that every time we said NO, we weren't saying no to a condition, but to a child that needed a family. One of the things I said no to was feeding tubes. NG tubes, G tubes, I didn't care. It all sounded a little too scary to me. Fast forward to the beginning of this summer and we heard about a baby girl that had some medical conditions requiring G tube feeding. I asked some other moms that had adopted kids from Hong Kong with feeding tubes and their responses were very similar. Once you get used to the feedings, it's really no big deal. Another family was chosen for that little girl, but I was now much more comfortable with the idea of a feeding tube. 2. Since we were registered with the NDSAN we saved the money they recommended for an adoption, but we neglected to save for traveling expenses. Last spring we decided we'd like to get a little used car as a second car, so we saved up for that. The end of August we decided that a second car was a luxury and not a necessity, so we planned to send the money to pay down student loans. I had written the check and was getting ready to send it when we found out about Sarah. I decided to wait a day to see if we were chosen or not. Once we were chosen I kept the check and we used the money to pay for her adoption. The additional fees and traveling expenses totaled up to just a couple hundred dollars more than what we had saved for the car. 3. Another situation came up where we would have had to leave about 3 days later to get the baby. We made a tentative plan, called my parents to find out if they could help out on such short notice and then found out that once again another family had been chosen. When our social worker called about showing our profile for our baby girl saying that one of the requirements the agency had was that one parent be able to travel quickly to stay with her in the NICU, we already had a plan in place to make that happen. Had my mom not been able to stay with the other kids on short notice, making it possible for me to travel quickly and stay for three weeks, the social workers would have looked for another family. These are just a few of the things we've seen over the summer that God has used in getting us ready for her. In the midst of disappointments He was preparing us for our daughter.
On this side of the adoption, it's fun to see how God has been preparing us to bring her home. 1. At the beginning of our son's adoption we had to fill out a form about what medical conditions we were comfortable with. It's not a fun process, because we knew that every time we said NO, we weren't saying no to a condition, but to a child that needed a family. One of the things I said no to was feeding tubes. NG tubes, G tubes, I didn't care. It all sounded a little too scary to me. Fast forward to the beginning of this summer and we heard about a baby girl that had some medical conditions requiring G tube feeding. I asked some other moms that had adopted kids from Hong Kong with feeding tubes and their responses were very similar. Once you get used to the feedings, it's really no big deal. Another family was chosen for that little girl, but I was now much more comfortable with the idea of a feeding tube. 2. Since we were registered with the NDSAN we saved the money they recommended for an adoption, but we neglected to save for traveling expenses. Last spring we decided we'd like to get a little used car as a second car, so we saved up for that. The end of August we decided that a second car was a luxury and not a necessity, so we planned to send the money to pay down student loans. I had written the check and was getting ready to send it when we found out about Sarah. I decided to wait a day to see if we were chosen or not. Once we were chosen I kept the check and we used the money to pay for her adoption. The additional fees and traveling expenses totaled up to just a couple hundred dollars more than what we had saved for the car. 3. Another situation came up where we would have had to leave about 3 days later to get the baby. We made a tentative plan, called my parents to find out if they could help out on such short notice and then found out that once again another family had been chosen. When our social worker called about showing our profile for our baby girl saying that one of the requirements the agency had was that one parent be able to travel quickly to stay with her in the NICU, we already had a plan in place to make that happen. Had my mom not been able to stay with the other kids on short notice, making it possible for me to travel quickly and stay for three weeks, the social workers would have looked for another family. These are just a few of the things we've seen over the summer that God has used in getting us ready for her. In the midst of disappointments He was preparing us for our daughter.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
I've been remembering the summer I spent volunteering at the orphanage a lot during this past Thanksgiving/Christmas season. It was an intense summer. Some planned experiences and other completely unexpected.
Entering the orphanage for the first time I didn't know what to expect. Was there a routine to follow? How were we expected to interact with the kids? I followed the women I was with to a hot stuffy room with blankets spread out on the floor. The workers brought the children in and laid them down. Some of the kids could crawl/drag themselves over to us, but most were not mobile. The first day we picked up one child, played with her for awhile and then went on to play with the next child.
Many of the kids responded positively to the interaction and would often cry when we set them down. One little girl cried when I picked her up. I tried interacting with her the same as the other children, but she only became more upset, calming down only when she was set back on the blanket. During the rest of our time that day I watched as she reacted the same way with the other volunteers. Several visits later the orphanage workers quit brining her in altogether, so I went searching for her. She was laying in a sopping diaper and wet sheets behind the cold metal bars of her crib.
As I walked over to the crib the mere presence of someone standing there clearly made her agitated. I asked her name. Nigar. Nigar wanted only to be left alone. What made her so fearful I can only imagine, but I decided to spend time with her every day I visited. Standing over her made her nervous and even a gentle touch drew her into herself even more, so I pulled up a chair and sang. Eventually she wouldn't wince when I would come in to sing. I then started to stroke her arm lightly for short periods to see if she would tolerate it and slowly she relaxed with that as well. It was my hope that eventually she would allow herself to be held without recoiling. But the summer was over too quickly. It was time to leave. I talked with one of the other women volunteering and explained where to find her and what I was doing hoping Nigar would continue to get loved on. It was hard to leave. How I wished I could have brought her home.
The family I was traveling with had planned to stop in Turkey for a week and I was very excited about our time there. It had been my dream for as long as I could remember to return to Turkey and it was finally happening. Our plane landed and we arrived at the hotel about midnight. Sometime around 3am I woke up shaking. Wait, it was the bed that was shaking. In a 3am fog I finally realized it was an earthquake. The woman I was sharing the room with was already in the doorway and as I quickly joined her we watched as other hotel guests rushed into the parking lot in their whitey-tighties. It seemed to last forever, but finally the shaking stopped and we went back to bed. Smart? I don't know. What is a tourist supposed to do once an earthquake is over? I laid there for awhile wondering if it would start again. The next morning the news report said it had been a 9.8 earthquake centered about 30 miles from where we were in Istanbul. The casualty rate quickly climbed from the hundreds to the thousands and kept going up. Later they would downgrade it to a 9.3 or 9.4 and estimated that over 18,000 people had died. The area we were in saw little damage, but as I watched the news of all that was happening just 30 miles away I couldn't just sit there. A group of people from the hotel arranged to go out to help find survivors and I quickly signed up to go. To be honest I was quite scared of what I might see. This was not the way I envisioned a trip to Turkey turning out. As it was, most of the rescue work that could be done by individual people had been done in the first day or two after the earthquake. By the time we arrived they were brining in heavy machinery to move the concrete slabs that had once been apartments. Rescue dogs searched the rubble for survivors. The dogs eventually came and found no one alive at the apartment complex we spent much of our time working. A couple days later I was able to join a group that was delivering relief supplies to people living in tents cities set up by the Red Crescent (the Muslim version of the Red Cross). It started to rain not long after the earthquake and the ground of the tent cities was squishy with mud.
I had left for my summer full of anticipation and on a spiritual high. The months leading up to the trip were a break from the normal college routine and I had had much time to sit and be with God, to study the bible and spend time worshiping. I returned overwhelmed, angry and full of questions. I was no longer riding a spiritual high, but muddling my way through a spiritual crisis. There were so many things to wrestle through.
The college I attended had people briefly discuss their summer trips during chapel time. What would I say? I wasn't sure, but decided to talk a little about Nigar. I was able to talk with a few people afterwards about the trip and mostly they were positive conversations, but one man did not like the idea of people visiting orphanages. His objection was along the lines of the fact that these kids were not puppies that people could play with for a short time and leave behind. In his opinion it was a cruel thing to do. Over the next month I wrestled with questions that people have struggled with for ages and I came out with a stronger faith in the goodness and love of God and a stronger commitment to my relationship to Him as His child. One question, though, I've had in the back of my mind since then. It's maybe not as significant as some of the other questions, but I have still wondered about what the man said regarding the visit to orphanage. Had my good intentions done more harm than good?
This past November I attended a retreat for foster and adoptive mothers. One of the speakers was a woman named Stephanie Fast. She was abandoned in South Korea around the age of 4 and spent the next 5 or 6 years as a street child. She shared with us a small fraction of what she and many other street children endured everyday. Eventually she was brought to an orphanage and adopted at the age of 9 by an American couple who had come intending to adopt an infant. Her story was about redemption which is hard work. She shared about a time prior to entering the orphanage when she was caught by the villagers she had been stealing food from and was tied to a moving water wheel. About the time she was sure she would die a man, whom she could not see because of the effects of being drug through the water, took her off the water wheel and placed her on the ground. He washed off her face, touched her gently and told her "You must live." He did not give her food to satisfy her hunger or bring her home to give her a family, but he showed her kindness and spoke life into her. She did not see his acts as cruel, but recognized the kindness and held onto his life giving words in the years to come. Stephanie told the audience that our kindness and life giving words are not wasted. They are not wasted. I have wondered if I should have ever gone to the orphanage. It made a difference in my life. It opened my eyes to needs of orphans and people with disabilities, but what about the children I left behind? Stephanie was in a place where she experienced cruelty just as the children that lived behind the cold walls of the orphanage. She was shown kindness by a stranger and she held onto the kindness for many years to come. God uses even our feeble attempts to show His love to His children and I pray that our kindness made a positive impact on the children and helped to show the value of life to the orphanage workers.
Entering the orphanage for the first time I didn't know what to expect. Was there a routine to follow? How were we expected to interact with the kids? I followed the women I was with to a hot stuffy room with blankets spread out on the floor. The workers brought the children in and laid them down. Some of the kids could crawl/drag themselves over to us, but most were not mobile. The first day we picked up one child, played with her for awhile and then went on to play with the next child.
Many of the kids responded positively to the interaction and would often cry when we set them down. One little girl cried when I picked her up. I tried interacting with her the same as the other children, but she only became more upset, calming down only when she was set back on the blanket. During the rest of our time that day I watched as she reacted the same way with the other volunteers. Several visits later the orphanage workers quit brining her in altogether, so I went searching for her. She was laying in a sopping diaper and wet sheets behind the cold metal bars of her crib.
As I walked over to the crib the mere presence of someone standing there clearly made her agitated. I asked her name. Nigar. Nigar wanted only to be left alone. What made her so fearful I can only imagine, but I decided to spend time with her every day I visited. Standing over her made her nervous and even a gentle touch drew her into herself even more, so I pulled up a chair and sang. Eventually she wouldn't wince when I would come in to sing. I then started to stroke her arm lightly for short periods to see if she would tolerate it and slowly she relaxed with that as well. It was my hope that eventually she would allow herself to be held without recoiling. But the summer was over too quickly. It was time to leave. I talked with one of the other women volunteering and explained where to find her and what I was doing hoping Nigar would continue to get loved on. It was hard to leave. How I wished I could have brought her home.
The family I was traveling with had planned to stop in Turkey for a week and I was very excited about our time there. It had been my dream for as long as I could remember to return to Turkey and it was finally happening. Our plane landed and we arrived at the hotel about midnight. Sometime around 3am I woke up shaking. Wait, it was the bed that was shaking. In a 3am fog I finally realized it was an earthquake. The woman I was sharing the room with was already in the doorway and as I quickly joined her we watched as other hotel guests rushed into the parking lot in their whitey-tighties. It seemed to last forever, but finally the shaking stopped and we went back to bed. Smart? I don't know. What is a tourist supposed to do once an earthquake is over? I laid there for awhile wondering if it would start again. The next morning the news report said it had been a 9.8 earthquake centered about 30 miles from where we were in Istanbul. The casualty rate quickly climbed from the hundreds to the thousands and kept going up. Later they would downgrade it to a 9.3 or 9.4 and estimated that over 18,000 people had died. The area we were in saw little damage, but as I watched the news of all that was happening just 30 miles away I couldn't just sit there. A group of people from the hotel arranged to go out to help find survivors and I quickly signed up to go. To be honest I was quite scared of what I might see. This was not the way I envisioned a trip to Turkey turning out. As it was, most of the rescue work that could be done by individual people had been done in the first day or two after the earthquake. By the time we arrived they were brining in heavy machinery to move the concrete slabs that had once been apartments. Rescue dogs searched the rubble for survivors. The dogs eventually came and found no one alive at the apartment complex we spent much of our time working. A couple days later I was able to join a group that was delivering relief supplies to people living in tents cities set up by the Red Crescent (the Muslim version of the Red Cross). It started to rain not long after the earthquake and the ground of the tent cities was squishy with mud.
I had left for my summer full of anticipation and on a spiritual high. The months leading up to the trip were a break from the normal college routine and I had had much time to sit and be with God, to study the bible and spend time worshiping. I returned overwhelmed, angry and full of questions. I was no longer riding a spiritual high, but muddling my way through a spiritual crisis. There were so many things to wrestle through.
The college I attended had people briefly discuss their summer trips during chapel time. What would I say? I wasn't sure, but decided to talk a little about Nigar. I was able to talk with a few people afterwards about the trip and mostly they were positive conversations, but one man did not like the idea of people visiting orphanages. His objection was along the lines of the fact that these kids were not puppies that people could play with for a short time and leave behind. In his opinion it was a cruel thing to do. Over the next month I wrestled with questions that people have struggled with for ages and I came out with a stronger faith in the goodness and love of God and a stronger commitment to my relationship to Him as His child. One question, though, I've had in the back of my mind since then. It's maybe not as significant as some of the other questions, but I have still wondered about what the man said regarding the visit to orphanage. Had my good intentions done more harm than good?
This past November I attended a retreat for foster and adoptive mothers. One of the speakers was a woman named Stephanie Fast. She was abandoned in South Korea around the age of 4 and spent the next 5 or 6 years as a street child. She shared with us a small fraction of what she and many other street children endured everyday. Eventually she was brought to an orphanage and adopted at the age of 9 by an American couple who had come intending to adopt an infant. Her story was about redemption which is hard work. She shared about a time prior to entering the orphanage when she was caught by the villagers she had been stealing food from and was tied to a moving water wheel. About the time she was sure she would die a man, whom she could not see because of the effects of being drug through the water, took her off the water wheel and placed her on the ground. He washed off her face, touched her gently and told her "You must live." He did not give her food to satisfy her hunger or bring her home to give her a family, but he showed her kindness and spoke life into her. She did not see his acts as cruel, but recognized the kindness and held onto his life giving words in the years to come. Stephanie told the audience that our kindness and life giving words are not wasted. They are not wasted. I have wondered if I should have ever gone to the orphanage. It made a difference in my life. It opened my eyes to needs of orphans and people with disabilities, but what about the children I left behind? Stephanie was in a place where she experienced cruelty just as the children that lived behind the cold walls of the orphanage. She was shown kindness by a stranger and she held onto the kindness for many years to come. God uses even our feeble attempts to show His love to His children and I pray that our kindness made a positive impact on the children and helped to show the value of life to the orphanage workers.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Rehab
I recently read a quote by Jon Bergeron, Ph D. for Hope for Orphans. He said "Adoption day isn't the first day of happily ever after. It's the first day of rehab." Reflecting on our week at Outdoor School I think this was a good reminder for me. In many ways our adoption experience has been ideal. There's been the normal adjustments when adding another child to the family, but he came home sleeping through the night, is a pretty content boy and has fit fairly easily into our family. It could seem like happily ever after from our side. But from his side, it is rehab and we as parents need to be mindful of that.
I was getting ready to take the two youngest to their class the first morning of Outdoor School. My plan was to stay with our son the whole time, but a part of me wondered if he'd be fine since things have been going so well. I set him beside some toys and took my daughter across the room to change her diaper. He quickly realized I wasn't beside him and while I could see him, he did not see me. He fell apart. Deep sobbing cries that he cried when we first took him from his foster home. I finished with my daughter as quickly as I could and took him from the worker. We sat on the couch while I sang to him. He cried. I rocked him. He clung tightly. I whispered I loved him. He kept his head against my chest. I told him I wasn't leaving him. Slowly he looked up at me and then set his head back down, his grip remaining firm around me. This was common in Hong Kong and our first few weeks home, but hasn't happened the past few months. This is rehab. His experience has been that new places become permanent and care givers disappear. And while he is an easy going boy it will take time to see that Mommy and Daddy always come back and new places are not something to be feared. Overall he had a great time running around outside and playing with the other kids at Outdoor School, but we made sure that my husband or I was with him all of the time. It was a good reminder that the voice that whispers to keep him close needs to be heeded for this time of rehab, however long it may be.
I was getting ready to take the two youngest to their class the first morning of Outdoor School. My plan was to stay with our son the whole time, but a part of me wondered if he'd be fine since things have been going so well. I set him beside some toys and took my daughter across the room to change her diaper. He quickly realized I wasn't beside him and while I could see him, he did not see me. He fell apart. Deep sobbing cries that he cried when we first took him from his foster home. I finished with my daughter as quickly as I could and took him from the worker. We sat on the couch while I sang to him. He cried. I rocked him. He clung tightly. I whispered I loved him. He kept his head against my chest. I told him I wasn't leaving him. Slowly he looked up at me and then set his head back down, his grip remaining firm around me. This was common in Hong Kong and our first few weeks home, but hasn't happened the past few months. This is rehab. His experience has been that new places become permanent and care givers disappear. And while he is an easy going boy it will take time to see that Mommy and Daddy always come back and new places are not something to be feared. Overall he had a great time running around outside and playing with the other kids at Outdoor School, but we made sure that my husband or I was with him all of the time. It was a good reminder that the voice that whispers to keep him close needs to be heeded for this time of rehab, however long it may be.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
During college I worked in Developmental Therapy as a Therapy Technician. After graduating my boss moved away and I was promoted to her position of Developmental Specialist. (It still makes me laugh that they gave a 20-something childless college graduate the title of Developmental Specialist. As a mother of four now I can see that I was fairly clueless, in the practical sense, of childhood development). Many of the kids on my caseload I saw in various settings; at home, at school, out in the community. Overall, their behaviors were pretty consistent. One little girl, however, was a very different girl in therapy and at school than she was at home. I knew I was no expert on parenthood, but could see a lot of the behavior problems she had at home had more to do with parenting style than her disability. Her mother wanted things to be easier at home, but insisted that the behaviors were due the disability. The daughter was defined by her disability in eyes of her mother.
We attended Outdoor School last week as a family and it was the first time we were around a large group of people who didn't know that our son has Down Syndrome. While he does have some of the facial features common in people with DS, it's not always all that obvious and often times people are surprised when they hear his diagnosis. However, the way he interacts with his world is like a child about 9-12 months younger than his chronological age. So, at Outdoor School, I struggled for the first time about how to introduce my son. When asked about his age do I tell them he's 2 and leave it at that. Do I say he's 2 and has DS? It probably depends on the situation, but I'm wondering how to decide when it's necessary to reveal his diagnosis. Where is the line between defining my son by Down syndrome and facilitating how he and others interact together? I think, so often, people with DS are defined in the eyes of others by their diagnosis. They are not "Sally who has DS." They are the "Down Syndrome child" and in a way loose their identity to their diagnosis. DS certainly affects who my son is, but he is so much more than DS. I guess I'm not sure how to express that in a simple introduction.
We attended Outdoor School last week as a family and it was the first time we were around a large group of people who didn't know that our son has Down Syndrome. While he does have some of the facial features common in people with DS, it's not always all that obvious and often times people are surprised when they hear his diagnosis. However, the way he interacts with his world is like a child about 9-12 months younger than his chronological age. So, at Outdoor School, I struggled for the first time about how to introduce my son. When asked about his age do I tell them he's 2 and leave it at that. Do I say he's 2 and has DS? It probably depends on the situation, but I'm wondering how to decide when it's necessary to reveal his diagnosis. Where is the line between defining my son by Down syndrome and facilitating how he and others interact together? I think, so often, people with DS are defined in the eyes of others by their diagnosis. They are not "Sally who has DS." They are the "Down Syndrome child" and in a way loose their identity to their diagnosis. DS certainly affects who my son is, but he is so much more than DS. I guess I'm not sure how to express that in a simple introduction.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Good Gift
They are words not uncommon to a couple expecting a baby. Words we probably uttered ourselves at some point in our three pregnancies. "As long as the baby has 10 fingers and 10 tens I'll be happy" or "As long as the baby is healthy I'll be happy." And now I wonder why did I think my happiness should be based on the health of my child. In some ways it reminds me of the times I prep my kids before their birthday parties. "Now remember to be thankful for every gift you receive, even if it's not what you were wanting or expecting." A gift. I wonder if we see children with disabilities as a gift. As a good gift. I suppose I've been more aware of the words people use surrounding children since adopting our son and wonder what attitudes I had before becoming a parent of a child with a disability. A family I know was told this summer that they "deserved a healthy child." There is a whole other discussion about what we as Americans think we deserve, but for this discussion think of the opposite of that statement. When a child with a disability is born the opposite is either that the family didn't deserve that child or they got exactly what was coming to them. I don't believe the person meant it that way, but the statement itself reveals the value we place on "normal," typical and healthy.
Everyone of us is living life with challenges. Everyone of us needs the help of God and a community of people to overcome these challenges. Most likely my challenges and your challenges are easier to disguise than the challenges my son faces. What value do we place on people based on their challenges?
My children have received many different types of gifts. Some work as expected right out of the box. Others take more time and effort than anticipated. Both are good gifts. And so it is with our children. Psalm 127:3 (NLT) says "Children are a gift from the LORD" and Matthew 7:11 (NIV) says "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Good gifts. Our children are good gifts. The bible does not qualify it to say "typically developing healthy children" are good gifts. A child with a disability may not be what some were envisioning, but God whispers "Trust me my child. Trust me in the unexpected. Trust me through the difficulties. I have given you what is good."
Everyone of us is living life with challenges. Everyone of us needs the help of God and a community of people to overcome these challenges. Most likely my challenges and your challenges are easier to disguise than the challenges my son faces. What value do we place on people based on their challenges?
My children have received many different types of gifts. Some work as expected right out of the box. Others take more time and effort than anticipated. Both are good gifts. And so it is with our children. Psalm 127:3 (NLT) says "Children are a gift from the LORD" and Matthew 7:11 (NIV) says "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Good gifts. Our children are good gifts. The bible does not qualify it to say "typically developing healthy children" are good gifts. A child with a disability may not be what some were envisioning, but God whispers "Trust me my child. Trust me in the unexpected. Trust me through the difficulties. I have given you what is good."
3 Months Home
It's really quite amazing how different three months can feel. When waiting to bring our son home it felt like and eternity. Now that he's home I can't believe how quickly the time has gone by. We've taken this time to get settled in as a family of six and begin to get to know our son. He is a mover, he loves to be in on the action and he's quite the determined little boy. He enjoys giving and getting hugs, whenever he hears music his little body can't help but bop along. Our big boys still enjoy playing with him, but they've gotten past the point where everything he does is cute. There's the normal "Mom! He's getting into my ______!!" Our daughter is coming to terms with the fact that she is no longer the youngest. She had to let him know exactly who's boss, but she toned that down a bit (with a good deal of parental supervision!) She's now claimed him as her brother.
We've started school now as well. This year I have two kids doing school and two little ones. The first couple days were . . . well, they were awful quite frankly. I wondered how in the world we would get through this year, but I adjusted my expectations and we made some big changes in the schedule and things have gone better overall. I may have some more schedule tweaking to do.
We've also used the time to get a feel for what kind of therapy he may need and how we would work that into our schedule. As his evaluations for speech, physical and occupational therapy approached, I was feeling like we would probably need minimal help at this point. As far as his physical development goes he came home doing more than we expected and he's just continued to progress. Verbally, he's not forming words, but is quite eager to communicate using sign language. The physical and occupational therapists said at his age, these two therapies as pretty closely connected and the physical therapist felt that he really didn't need much outside therapy at this point. She gave me some activities to work with him on and we'll go back to see her in a month and then again in about six months. The speech therapist works mainly with having children learn to vocalize and since he is more interested in communicating through sign right now, she gave me some ways to work with him to help with his beginning vocal sounds as we continue to work on sign language. In the end he won't be needing a lot of therapy right now. As he gets older, that could very well change. I am thankful to have a background in therapy, because I think it's made it easier to work with him. However, I am very glad to have therapists who are willing to work with us and help us know best how to work with him, since my training is not in these specific areas.
Do you know what his biggest assets in therapy have been? His big brothers and sister. He's so determined to keep up with them that he's learned to hop on his little push car to keep up with them (something the physical therapist was surprised he could do), he can climb up on the couch with them now and he's willing to walk across the uneven grass to follow them. I'm drawing the line at learning to climb on the dining room chairs for now, though. The last thing I want to see is his little grinning face as he proudly stands atop the table. While teaching him signs, I was really wanting to use the sign for "more" exclusive to eating, so I know that means he's hungry. For a few days I was trying to teach him the sign "again" if he wanted to do another activity. I knew he could do it. He gave a few half-hearted tries, but just wasn't too interested. Then I was squirting him and my daughter with water which was quite the fun game. I signed "again" to have him ask for another squirt, but it was my daughter that started signing it. He watched her closely and then signed "again" perfectly. It has since become one of his most used signs. Most of the therapy at his stage is fun and games and the older kids are eager to help. Group therapy helps make the learning more fun for him. :)
We've started school now as well. This year I have two kids doing school and two little ones. The first couple days were . . . well, they were awful quite frankly. I wondered how in the world we would get through this year, but I adjusted my expectations and we made some big changes in the schedule and things have gone better overall. I may have some more schedule tweaking to do.
We've also used the time to get a feel for what kind of therapy he may need and how we would work that into our schedule. As his evaluations for speech, physical and occupational therapy approached, I was feeling like we would probably need minimal help at this point. As far as his physical development goes he came home doing more than we expected and he's just continued to progress. Verbally, he's not forming words, but is quite eager to communicate using sign language. The physical and occupational therapists said at his age, these two therapies as pretty closely connected and the physical therapist felt that he really didn't need much outside therapy at this point. She gave me some activities to work with him on and we'll go back to see her in a month and then again in about six months. The speech therapist works mainly with having children learn to vocalize and since he is more interested in communicating through sign right now, she gave me some ways to work with him to help with his beginning vocal sounds as we continue to work on sign language. In the end he won't be needing a lot of therapy right now. As he gets older, that could very well change. I am thankful to have a background in therapy, because I think it's made it easier to work with him. However, I am very glad to have therapists who are willing to work with us and help us know best how to work with him, since my training is not in these specific areas.
Do you know what his biggest assets in therapy have been? His big brothers and sister. He's so determined to keep up with them that he's learned to hop on his little push car to keep up with them (something the physical therapist was surprised he could do), he can climb up on the couch with them now and he's willing to walk across the uneven grass to follow them. I'm drawing the line at learning to climb on the dining room chairs for now, though. The last thing I want to see is his little grinning face as he proudly stands atop the table. While teaching him signs, I was really wanting to use the sign for "more" exclusive to eating, so I know that means he's hungry. For a few days I was trying to teach him the sign "again" if he wanted to do another activity. I knew he could do it. He gave a few half-hearted tries, but just wasn't too interested. Then I was squirting him and my daughter with water which was quite the fun game. I signed "again" to have him ask for another squirt, but it was my daughter that started signing it. He watched her closely and then signed "again" perfectly. It has since become one of his most used signs. Most of the therapy at his stage is fun and games and the older kids are eager to help. Group therapy helps make the learning more fun for him. :)
Friday, August 23, 2013
From the Darkness
The Blessing of Verity is a blog I follow regularly, but this particular post kept bringing me back over the course of a week. In many ways it is full of hope, describing the positive changes for children in an orphanage in Eastern Europe and particularly in the life of a little girl named Katie. But it also shows the reality that there are still children left and there are more children living in similar conditions in different orphanages in the same country. I left the blog with my emotions raw and turned to my devotions.
Right now I'm on the fifth or sixth reading of a book called Real Moms . . . Real Jesus by Jill Savage. It has been a huge encouragement as a mother in my relationship with God and my family. That particular night I started reading chapter 10: The Truth About Our Emotions. What struck me was not what the author had to say, but the bible passage she used. It reminded me of the Musser Family behind The Blessing of Verity. They were the first to adopt from this orphanage and helped to bring to light the severe neglect of these children. They have recently returned from adopting Tommy from the same orphanage since bringing Katie home.
Jill Savage uses the example of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead in John 11. She says "When Jesus finally arrived, Lazarus had been dead for four days. The grief was overwhelming as the women led Jesus to Lazarus' tomb. When they arrived at the place where Lazarus had been laid, Jesus wept outside the tomb." I do not know the Musser family personally, but I imagine that there was much grief in seeing the reality of the situation that so many children lived in.
"After spending some time in grief, Jesus made a request. 'Roll the stone aside,' Jesus told them"(vs 38-39). Just as Jesus did not sit in his grief, the Mussers took action and tackled mountains of paperwork to reach into the darkness for their Katie.
"But Martha, the dead man's sister, protested, 'Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell with be terrible'" (v39b). No doubt they faced push back just as Jesus did. Quite literally the rooms the children were housed in and the children themselves had a terrible smell. And there are always questions, perhaps in their own minds and certainly in the minds of others. "Why would you take this one? What about your retirement? What about the children you already have?" And the list goes on.
"Jesus responded, 'Didn't I tell you that you would see God's glory if you believe?' So they rolled the stone aside. Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, 'Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me'" (vs 40-42). Putting aside conventional wisdom, the Mussers trusted that they would see God's glory in the midst of the impossible.
"Then Jesus shouted, 'Lazarus, come out!'" (v 43). Being the hands and feet of Jesus they traveled thousands of miles to call Katie out of her hell.
"And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in grave clothes, his face wrapped in a head cloth. Jesus told them, 'Unwrap him and let him go!'" (v 44). Katie was unwrapped from the neglect, starvation and fear that she was bound in. She was not dead in a literal sense, but had been given a death sentence by her society. She was alive, but not living. She existed. Barely. Because a family had the courage to follow God into the darkness and unknown, the life of Katie and dozens of others have been transformed.
We live in a culture where we want to make our mark in the world. How much more of a mark can God make if we are willing to follow even into the unknown.
Brandi lives in this orphanage. Brandi still waits for a family to call her own, to help unbind her from merely existing. If you know someone who would follow God into the unknown would you share this blog post from Katie's mom with them?
God has a path of faith for each of us to follow. Where is He calling you?
Right now I'm on the fifth or sixth reading of a book called Real Moms . . . Real Jesus by Jill Savage. It has been a huge encouragement as a mother in my relationship with God and my family. That particular night I started reading chapter 10: The Truth About Our Emotions. What struck me was not what the author had to say, but the bible passage she used. It reminded me of the Musser Family behind The Blessing of Verity. They were the first to adopt from this orphanage and helped to bring to light the severe neglect of these children. They have recently returned from adopting Tommy from the same orphanage since bringing Katie home.
Jill Savage uses the example of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead in John 11. She says "When Jesus finally arrived, Lazarus had been dead for four days. The grief was overwhelming as the women led Jesus to Lazarus' tomb. When they arrived at the place where Lazarus had been laid, Jesus wept outside the tomb." I do not know the Musser family personally, but I imagine that there was much grief in seeing the reality of the situation that so many children lived in.
"After spending some time in grief, Jesus made a request. 'Roll the stone aside,' Jesus told them"(vs 38-39). Just as Jesus did not sit in his grief, the Mussers took action and tackled mountains of paperwork to reach into the darkness for their Katie.
"But Martha, the dead man's sister, protested, 'Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell with be terrible'" (v39b). No doubt they faced push back just as Jesus did. Quite literally the rooms the children were housed in and the children themselves had a terrible smell. And there are always questions, perhaps in their own minds and certainly in the minds of others. "Why would you take this one? What about your retirement? What about the children you already have?" And the list goes on.
"Jesus responded, 'Didn't I tell you that you would see God's glory if you believe?' So they rolled the stone aside. Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, 'Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me'" (vs 40-42). Putting aside conventional wisdom, the Mussers trusted that they would see God's glory in the midst of the impossible.
"Then Jesus shouted, 'Lazarus, come out!'" (v 43). Being the hands and feet of Jesus they traveled thousands of miles to call Katie out of her hell.
"And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in grave clothes, his face wrapped in a head cloth. Jesus told them, 'Unwrap him and let him go!'" (v 44). Katie was unwrapped from the neglect, starvation and fear that she was bound in. She was not dead in a literal sense, but had been given a death sentence by her society. She was alive, but not living. She existed. Barely. Because a family had the courage to follow God into the darkness and unknown, the life of Katie and dozens of others have been transformed.
We live in a culture where we want to make our mark in the world. How much more of a mark can God make if we are willing to follow even into the unknown.
Brandi lives in this orphanage. Brandi still waits for a family to call her own, to help unbind her from merely existing. If you know someone who would follow God into the unknown would you share this blog post from Katie's mom with them?
God has a path of faith for each of us to follow. Where is He calling you?
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Settling In
We've been home with our son for about 6 weeks now. We were just talking about a few of the changes we've seen in him since getting home. While in Hong Kong and when we first arrived home he ground his teeth a lot. They said that was normal for him. Just the other day we realized that we haven't heard him grinding his teeth in quite some time. I don't know exactly what that means, but we think it's a good thing. :) In the beginning he didn't want to be put down in the grass in the backyard (it is dry and prickly, so who could blame him). We could tell being out in the yard was stressful for him. Now, he's still a little slow to get down, but as long as he has his shoes on he soon wants out of our arms to get to the sandbox or little playhouse we have.
When he first came home he would fall and we'd think "Ow, that had to hurt" but he had no reaction. He'd just get back up and act like nothing happened. Now, he reacts. It's not an overreaction, but he cries and comes to seek us for comfort. For those who know a little bit about attachment in adoption, you'll know that's a great sign for attachment. At the beginning we were still strangers. He didn't know how we'd react, but now he knows we're here to comfort him. After a hug, kiss and little snuggle he's ready to hop down and resume playing.
It was also interesting to see the big difference in how adoptive parents reacted vs people who haven't adopted. The adoptive parents would always ask permission to hold him and even touch him. If I said yes, they were still hesitant. We're learning that part of his personality is to be friendly and if he's not tired he'll usually go to people outside our family. At the beginning of an adoption this is actually quite stressful as an adoptive parent, but most people tend to think this is a good sign. Why is it stressful? Because attachment in adoption is a really important aspect in forming healthy relationships. In extreme cases a child can develop Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) where they are charming to everyone around them except to the person or people they should attach to. Because of past hurt or neglect in the area of attachment, in order to protect themselves from being hurt by their adoptive parents they will do everything to push them away. If the child has learned to attach to a care giver, as our son did with his foster mother, they tend to have less problem attaching after adoption. Thankfully, our little guy seems to be doing well in attaching to us, but in the beginning we weren't sure how that process would go.
All three of our older children are "typical," meaning they do not have disabilities. I wondered how our life would change when we brought our son home. Would Down Syndrome be a large part of our lives? How different would it be to have a child with a disability? We are not very far into this journey, but DS has not played a significant role in our daily lives. He'll start therapies soon, so we'll find ways to accommodate those into our schedule, but day to day he is not our son with DS. He is simply our son. Our son who likes to hop right in a good wrestling match with his older siblings. Our son who finds it fun to yank on his big sister's ponytails. Our son who happily pushes boxes around the dining room. Our son who makes changing his clothes like wrestling an alligator. Our son who wants to snuggle when he gets tired. Our son who gives us so much joy as do all of our children.
When he first came home he would fall and we'd think "Ow, that had to hurt" but he had no reaction. He'd just get back up and act like nothing happened. Now, he reacts. It's not an overreaction, but he cries and comes to seek us for comfort. For those who know a little bit about attachment in adoption, you'll know that's a great sign for attachment. At the beginning we were still strangers. He didn't know how we'd react, but now he knows we're here to comfort him. After a hug, kiss and little snuggle he's ready to hop down and resume playing.
It was also interesting to see the big difference in how adoptive parents reacted vs people who haven't adopted. The adoptive parents would always ask permission to hold him and even touch him. If I said yes, they were still hesitant. We're learning that part of his personality is to be friendly and if he's not tired he'll usually go to people outside our family. At the beginning of an adoption this is actually quite stressful as an adoptive parent, but most people tend to think this is a good sign. Why is it stressful? Because attachment in adoption is a really important aspect in forming healthy relationships. In extreme cases a child can develop Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) where they are charming to everyone around them except to the person or people they should attach to. Because of past hurt or neglect in the area of attachment, in order to protect themselves from being hurt by their adoptive parents they will do everything to push them away. If the child has learned to attach to a care giver, as our son did with his foster mother, they tend to have less problem attaching after adoption. Thankfully, our little guy seems to be doing well in attaching to us, but in the beginning we weren't sure how that process would go.
All three of our older children are "typical," meaning they do not have disabilities. I wondered how our life would change when we brought our son home. Would Down Syndrome be a large part of our lives? How different would it be to have a child with a disability? We are not very far into this journey, but DS has not played a significant role in our daily lives. He'll start therapies soon, so we'll find ways to accommodate those into our schedule, but day to day he is not our son with DS. He is simply our son. Our son who likes to hop right in a good wrestling match with his older siblings. Our son who finds it fun to yank on his big sister's ponytails. Our son who happily pushes boxes around the dining room. Our son who makes changing his clothes like wrestling an alligator. Our son who wants to snuggle when he gets tired. Our son who gives us so much joy as do all of our children.
Good and Best
I wrote this in my journal a couple months before bringing our son home. He has indeed added strength to our family and helped remind us of the important things in life. I am so thankful to have him apart of our family.
The severe neglect was evident to me as a 21 year old college student volunteering in an orphanage in the former Soviet Union. Babies were not held with a care giver gazing into their eyes while drinking from a bottle. The bottle, instead, was propped against the steel bars of the metal crib. A few of the older children were receiving treatment from foreign doctors for club feet. The majority of the disabilities were ignored. No medical treatment, no therapies to help them progress. Children lay in wet and soiled diapers for far too long. Human touch and love were withheld which caused some of the children to clamor for the attention of the volunteers while others recoiled even at our presence. At the time I thought most of the older children were between two and four years old. Today, as I've followed along the journey of sweet Katie, adopted as an 11 pound 9 year old, I realize that many of the kids could have in fact been 8, 10, 12 years old, the effects of severe neglect stunting their growth.
When it was time to officially begin our adoption journey both my husband and I felt God leading us to Hong Kong. We were interested in adopting a child with special needs and HK primarily adopts children internationally with special needs. When we received our son's profile we realized that God had prompted me to pray for him over a year before during a critical time in his life and the life of his birth mother. We have learned that the English name we have chosen combined with the Cantonese name his birth parents gave him means "add strength" in Cantonese. The kind lady helping us learn the meaning of his name said God knew he was our son and prompted us in his name because he will add strength to our family. I know he is our son. I have seen God leading him to us and yet sometimes I have wondered. Hong Kong takes very good care of the children in the custody of the state. Medical issues are addressed, therapies are given and the children in an orphanage setting are loved by their care givers. Many children, like our son, are in a family setting cared for by foster parents. They are not neglected. I have wondered why God would lead us to a child who is receiving good care when there are so many children who are suffering the effects of severe neglect. And as has happened many times in this adoption journey God showed me how this physical process of adoption parallels a spiritual truth. You see, while a temporary foster family is good, a permanent forever family is best. Children in both situations are in need of permanent, loving, forever families.
This is true is a spiritual sense. We all know someone whose life mirrors the life of the neglected orphan. The pain, the fear and the neglect are obvious as is the need for rescue from a life that is seemingly so hopeless. There is a need to be adopted into God's family.
There are also many of us whose life reflects the life of my son. Our lives are full of good. We cultivate our talents. The need for something more is not immediately obvious, but yet something is missing. Our good is not God's best. There is far more that He has for all who will ask and follow. He wants us all to be apart of His family.
The severe neglect was evident to me as a 21 year old college student volunteering in an orphanage in the former Soviet Union. Babies were not held with a care giver gazing into their eyes while drinking from a bottle. The bottle, instead, was propped against the steel bars of the metal crib. A few of the older children were receiving treatment from foreign doctors for club feet. The majority of the disabilities were ignored. No medical treatment, no therapies to help them progress. Children lay in wet and soiled diapers for far too long. Human touch and love were withheld which caused some of the children to clamor for the attention of the volunteers while others recoiled even at our presence. At the time I thought most of the older children were between two and four years old. Today, as I've followed along the journey of sweet Katie, adopted as an 11 pound 9 year old, I realize that many of the kids could have in fact been 8, 10, 12 years old, the effects of severe neglect stunting their growth.
When it was time to officially begin our adoption journey both my husband and I felt God leading us to Hong Kong. We were interested in adopting a child with special needs and HK primarily adopts children internationally with special needs. When we received our son's profile we realized that God had prompted me to pray for him over a year before during a critical time in his life and the life of his birth mother. We have learned that the English name we have chosen combined with the Cantonese name his birth parents gave him means "add strength" in Cantonese. The kind lady helping us learn the meaning of his name said God knew he was our son and prompted us in his name because he will add strength to our family. I know he is our son. I have seen God leading him to us and yet sometimes I have wondered. Hong Kong takes very good care of the children in the custody of the state. Medical issues are addressed, therapies are given and the children in an orphanage setting are loved by their care givers. Many children, like our son, are in a family setting cared for by foster parents. They are not neglected. I have wondered why God would lead us to a child who is receiving good care when there are so many children who are suffering the effects of severe neglect. And as has happened many times in this adoption journey God showed me how this physical process of adoption parallels a spiritual truth. You see, while a temporary foster family is good, a permanent forever family is best. Children in both situations are in need of permanent, loving, forever families.
This is true is a spiritual sense. We all know someone whose life mirrors the life of the neglected orphan. The pain, the fear and the neglect are obvious as is the need for rescue from a life that is seemingly so hopeless. There is a need to be adopted into God's family.
There are also many of us whose life reflects the life of my son. Our lives are full of good. We cultivate our talents. The need for something more is not immediately obvious, but yet something is missing. Our good is not God's best. There is far more that He has for all who will ask and follow. He wants us all to be apart of His family.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
On Life
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Prior to our adoption I read with interest about the new prenatal testing to detect Down Syndrome earlier in pregnancy. My interest was more intellectual than anything at that point. While doing the paperwork end of adoption our son was still a picture, an idea, not yet a little boy in my arms. I sat today rocking him to sleep for his nap and prenatal testing is far more personal. It is talked about as a way to help parents prepare for parenting a child with Down Syndrome. To prepare for therapies and possible medical treatments that would be needed. Preparation is good, but the statistics show that a prenatal diagnosis of Down Syndrome is overwhelmingly not used for preparation, but rather termination. Up to 80-90% of the time the parents choose abortion. As I watch my son these first weeks home, those numbers strike a deep chord. The statistics are about the same in Hong Kong, his birth country. His mother did not get prenatal testing and for that I am eternally grateful. No, I do not know the choice she would have made, but I know, statistically speaking, his chance of surviving pregnancy had she known would have only been 10-20%. This is not, for me, just about the choice a woman makes, but also about the life of my son and children like him. I could be easily labeled by some as judgmental and insensitive, but what judgement is being made by these statistics. A judgement that a life with DS is a life not worth living in the eyes of so many and yet a survey done by Dr. Brian Skotko at Massachusetts General Hospital showed that "nearly 99% of people with DS indicated that they were happy with their lives, 97% liked who they are, and 96% liked how they looked." Perhaps we could learn something from people with DS. As I soak up the time I have with my little boy, I am grieving society's judgement that the obvious and understandable outcome of discovering a child has DS prenatally is termination. Perhaps it is time we as a society examine the judgements we make about living life with disability.
PS - Here are two other surveys of parents and siblings of people with Down Syndrome by Dr. Brian Skotko.
Having a Son or Daughter With Down Syndrome: Perspectives From Mothers and Fathers
Having a Brother or Sister with Down Syndrome: Perspectives From Siblings
Friday, July 5, 2013
Welcome Home
We are home from Hong Kong with our little son! :) I can not express how good it feels to say that after 18 months of paperwork. There's still some paperwork to be done, but we can snuggle our little guy first and then get it done.
The trip over went well. Our oldest son traveled with us and did a great job. He struggled with trying new foods, but we anticipated that and brought along things for him to eat. Sunday, the three of us went to Hong Kong Disneyland. It's been awhile since I've been to Disneyland and it was every bit as fun as I remember. It's not nearly as big there, so was easily seen in a day. Jet lag set in mid afternoon, so we boarded the Disney train to catch the MTR (subway system) back to the hotel.
Monday morning we met the social worker and she took us to the foster home. I wasn't sure how he'd react, so just planned to take things slowly, but the first thing I walked in the door and he wanted to be picked up. Then my hubby walked in and my little guy wouldn't take his eyes off of Daddy. After a few minutes he decided he wanted Daddy to hold him and quickly began inspecting his goatee. That was quite interesting for a few days. His foster mother got out the photo album we sent with pictures of our family. Our oldest son was sitting beside him and when he got to a picture of his big brother he pointed to the picture and then poked his big brother. We stayed at the foster home for several hours and then took him out with the social worker to lunch. Since Daddy seemed to be the most interesting, Daddy carried him out. Leaving his foster home was not easy. Daddy said he was sobbing. It was also about nap time, so that probably didn't help, but he finally went to sleep and slept most of the time we were out.
Tuesday we went back to the foster family's apartment to pick him up and bring him back to the hotel room. The social worker wanted him to see where he would be staying before he stayed over night. Again, it was nap time, so he slept most of our time together.
Wednesday we again boarded the double decker bus for the hour long trip to the foster family's apartment to meet with another social worker to sign papers and bring him back to stay with us the rest of our time. When we walked in the door he was on the couch across the room. He hopped off immediately and came walking over to us with a big grin. One of his foster sister's is in her 20's and was there that day. She had a particularly hard time saying goodbye and his foster mother did as well once it was time to leave. Although adoption is a wonderful thing, there is loss involved and it is difficult to see that loss. I am so grateful to his foster family for the love and care they gave him for most of his life.
We had originally planned to leave on Saturday, but ticket prices were crazy expensive that day, so we stayed until Sunday. The rest of our time with him went well. He slept like a rock, well, a very wiggly rock. We wondered how eating would go, but he's not a very picky eater and he enjoyed playing with us. Wednesday evening I taught him how to sign "more" and Friday morning he grabbed a box of toddler snacks, sat down and signed "more."
We are home now and slowly getting over jet lag. He's had a harder time sleeping here in the States, which I think is in part due to jet lag, but also to all the changes he's had in the past week. There's different sights, sounds, smells and tastes and it's a lot to take in for anyone. He loves playing with his big brothers and sisters. Today they were rolling on the floor together and afterwards our second oldest told me that he's so glad we adopted him. Our little girl has been doing pretty well him, but I anticipate she'll have the hardest time adjusting as she's no longer the baby. He thinks her pacificer is quite funny and enjoys pulling it out. Most of the time she thinks it's a fun game until bed time when she's tired and had enough. Our oldest has enjoyed playing with him and getting to carry him around.
It's only been a little over a week since we've had him and we are still trying to prepare for a time that he'll realize that he's not going back and morn what he's lost, but this initial transition has gone well. Much better than I expected. It takes him a few minutes before he's sure his eyes will open after waking up, but once he's awake a huge grin spreads across is face. He toddles around keeping himself occupied with all the fun toys on the ground and things to be discovered on the table tops (good motivation to keep the table clean!). He wants Mama to hold him when he not sure what's going on and perhaps it's wishful thinking but "Mama" has been uttered several times. At meal time when I ask if he wants more he giggles a little and that infectious smile spreads across his face as he claps his hands. He giggles in delight as he splashes in the tub and when the day is done he melts into Mama's arms as I rock him to sleep. My heart is full having all my kids home with me.
The trip over went well. Our oldest son traveled with us and did a great job. He struggled with trying new foods, but we anticipated that and brought along things for him to eat. Sunday, the three of us went to Hong Kong Disneyland. It's been awhile since I've been to Disneyland and it was every bit as fun as I remember. It's not nearly as big there, so was easily seen in a day. Jet lag set in mid afternoon, so we boarded the Disney train to catch the MTR (subway system) back to the hotel.
Monday morning we met the social worker and she took us to the foster home. I wasn't sure how he'd react, so just planned to take things slowly, but the first thing I walked in the door and he wanted to be picked up. Then my hubby walked in and my little guy wouldn't take his eyes off of Daddy. After a few minutes he decided he wanted Daddy to hold him and quickly began inspecting his goatee. That was quite interesting for a few days. His foster mother got out the photo album we sent with pictures of our family. Our oldest son was sitting beside him and when he got to a picture of his big brother he pointed to the picture and then poked his big brother. We stayed at the foster home for several hours and then took him out with the social worker to lunch. Since Daddy seemed to be the most interesting, Daddy carried him out. Leaving his foster home was not easy. Daddy said he was sobbing. It was also about nap time, so that probably didn't help, but he finally went to sleep and slept most of the time we were out.
Tuesday we went back to the foster family's apartment to pick him up and bring him back to the hotel room. The social worker wanted him to see where he would be staying before he stayed over night. Again, it was nap time, so he slept most of our time together.
Wednesday we again boarded the double decker bus for the hour long trip to the foster family's apartment to meet with another social worker to sign papers and bring him back to stay with us the rest of our time. When we walked in the door he was on the couch across the room. He hopped off immediately and came walking over to us with a big grin. One of his foster sister's is in her 20's and was there that day. She had a particularly hard time saying goodbye and his foster mother did as well once it was time to leave. Although adoption is a wonderful thing, there is loss involved and it is difficult to see that loss. I am so grateful to his foster family for the love and care they gave him for most of his life.
We had originally planned to leave on Saturday, but ticket prices were crazy expensive that day, so we stayed until Sunday. The rest of our time with him went well. He slept like a rock, well, a very wiggly rock. We wondered how eating would go, but he's not a very picky eater and he enjoyed playing with us. Wednesday evening I taught him how to sign "more" and Friday morning he grabbed a box of toddler snacks, sat down and signed "more."
We are home now and slowly getting over jet lag. He's had a harder time sleeping here in the States, which I think is in part due to jet lag, but also to all the changes he's had in the past week. There's different sights, sounds, smells and tastes and it's a lot to take in for anyone. He loves playing with his big brothers and sisters. Today they were rolling on the floor together and afterwards our second oldest told me that he's so glad we adopted him. Our little girl has been doing pretty well him, but I anticipate she'll have the hardest time adjusting as she's no longer the baby. He thinks her pacificer is quite funny and enjoys pulling it out. Most of the time she thinks it's a fun game until bed time when she's tired and had enough. Our oldest has enjoyed playing with him and getting to carry him around.
It's only been a little over a week since we've had him and we are still trying to prepare for a time that he'll realize that he's not going back and morn what he's lost, but this initial transition has gone well. Much better than I expected. It takes him a few minutes before he's sure his eyes will open after waking up, but once he's awake a huge grin spreads across is face. He toddles around keeping himself occupied with all the fun toys on the ground and things to be discovered on the table tops (good motivation to keep the table clean!). He wants Mama to hold him when he not sure what's going on and perhaps it's wishful thinking but "Mama" has been uttered several times. At meal time when I ask if he wants more he giggles a little and that infectious smile spreads across his face as he claps his hands. He giggles in delight as he splashes in the tub and when the day is done he melts into Mama's arms as I rock him to sleep. My heart is full having all my kids home with me.
Monday, June 17, 2013
After the last blog we did hear something from Hong Kong. We received the High Court Order which is the last official step needed in order get travel dates. We are headed to HK! Planes tickets have been purchased, hotels are booked, bags are being packed and butterflies are racing widely around in my stomach! I'm trying to not think about the fact that I get sick on planes. The good thing is that I'm not pregnant or nursing so I can take some meds to help curb that. We have a boy who is eagerly going through his carry-on and can't wait to play with the activities in there. He'll help bring his little brother home. Soon we'll have our baby home!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
I arrived home tonight from an unexpected visit to Idaho. I forgot how many pictures of my son I have up around the house and it broke my heart. I should not be holding pictures. I should be holding my boy. Friday came and went. Friday was yet another day we were supposed to hear that the next step in the adoption process was done. Friday we were supposed to get our travel dates. Friday came and went with silence. Perhaps tomorrow. Or perhaps not. I look at my calendar and see family events that I was not supposed to be able to attend. Maybe now I will. And while I will be happy to celebrate, they will also be reminders that I am there because my boy is not here. It is a fight every moment to not let the "what ifs" take over. I've heard adoption likened to a high risk pregnancy, only complications in this instance can make things drag on and on. And sometimes you loose your child. While I don't anticipate that happening I still feel the "what if" in the back of my mind. I've been reading 1 and 2 Corinthians and have been encouraged to see that Paul was at a place of despairing and God carried him through. I know my God is faithful through the excitement as well as the hard parts of this journey. He is holding my son even when I can not.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Longs. Waits. Pursues.
As I sat to write this post I realized that most of those reading this will know more details of our son than I gave in the one and only other post on this blog, but some may not. We received matching approval the end of November and immigration approval the end of January. We're anticipating going to pick him up some time in May, but the exact time remains to be seen. And while I can not share pictures publicly until the adoption is finalized, I can guarantee you that he is adorable! Our sweet boy is 1.5, has Down Syndrome and was described by his social worker as an active little boy who moves swiftly.
The end of our pre-adoption journey is coming to a close and the hard work of real life as a family of six will soon begin. It's a journey for me that, in one sense, has been 20+ years in the making and in the technical "paper pregnancy" sense has been 17 going on 18 months.
I just returned from a women's retreat where Kim McLean and Devon O'Day spoke. Kim briefly spoke about prevenient grace which is a technical way of speaking about the grace given us by God before we are adopted into His family. She said He longs, waits for and pursues us. Longs. Waits. Pursues. Those three words struck me as I sat there in the process of my own longing, waiting and pursuing.
In Luke 15:1-7 Jesus tells what has been called the parable of the lost sheep.
"Now the tax collectors and 'sinners' were all gathering around to hear him. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered 'This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.' Then Jesus told them this parable: 'Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."
Growing up I saw a painting of the shepherd in search of his lost sheep and to me that search was devoid of emotion. The emotion came at the finding of the sheep. The emotion was not in the process, but in the discovery. And then I heard the words longs, waits, pursues and suddenly the picture of the search was infused with emotion. My heart is full of joy with my children at home, but at the same time it aches with longing for my son who is half a world away. Our wait is not a passive wait, but is filled with preparation for his arrival. He will be our son because of a purposeful pursuit that has taken much time and effort. And so it is with God. Longs. Waits. Pursues. That is what Christ has done for those that have been adopted into His family. That is what Christ is doing right now for you who are not yet apart of His family. I have only gotten a glimpse of the depth of emotion in those three words that God feels. Stop and see His longing, His waiting and His pursuit of you.
The end of our pre-adoption journey is coming to a close and the hard work of real life as a family of six will soon begin. It's a journey for me that, in one sense, has been 20+ years in the making and in the technical "paper pregnancy" sense has been 17 going on 18 months.
I just returned from a women's retreat where Kim McLean and Devon O'Day spoke. Kim briefly spoke about prevenient grace which is a technical way of speaking about the grace given us by God before we are adopted into His family. She said He longs, waits for and pursues us. Longs. Waits. Pursues. Those three words struck me as I sat there in the process of my own longing, waiting and pursuing.
In Luke 15:1-7 Jesus tells what has been called the parable of the lost sheep.
"Now the tax collectors and 'sinners' were all gathering around to hear him. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered 'This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.' Then Jesus told them this parable: 'Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."
Growing up I saw a painting of the shepherd in search of his lost sheep and to me that search was devoid of emotion. The emotion came at the finding of the sheep. The emotion was not in the process, but in the discovery. And then I heard the words longs, waits, pursues and suddenly the picture of the search was infused with emotion. My heart is full of joy with my children at home, but at the same time it aches with longing for my son who is half a world away. Our wait is not a passive wait, but is filled with preparation for his arrival. He will be our son because of a purposeful pursuit that has taken much time and effort. And so it is with God. Longs. Waits. Pursues. That is what Christ has done for those that have been adopted into His family. That is what Christ is doing right now for you who are not yet apart of His family. I have only gotten a glimpse of the depth of emotion in those three words that God feels. Stop and see His longing, His waiting and His pursuit of you.
Friday, November 9, 2012
It was the third or maybe the forth time my 3 month old son had woken up in the middle of that winter night, I had lost track. It was my hope that my second son would sleep better than his older brother had as a baby, but it was not to be. My husband was working nights, so it was up to me to respond to the crying once again. I willed my body to roll over even though every muscle felt as heavy as a log. After re-swaddling my little bundle and trying in vain to get the pacifier to soothe him, I sat up to nurse him back to sleep. This was a scene that was played over many night in a week, but this particular night was different.
As I sat listening to the sure signs of his sleeping with his slowly steady breathing I was suddenly reminded of a time back in college. Between my Junior and Senior year I traveled overseas and volunteered in an orphanage during the trip. The children I played with all had some sort of disability. None of them walked, but most all of them were eager for love and attention, even if from a stranger. The night I sat holding my infant son, however, I saw myself standing in the baby room of the orphanage. The exact number of metal cribs that lined the walls I have forgotten, but I distinctly remember six faces. I had enjoyed holding the babies with their large eyes, but as a 20 year old having never been a mother, one obvious fact escaped me until nine years later as I experienced motherhood for a second time. That baby room was silent. A room full of babies and not a sound. No doubt each one of those children had cried at one point. Had cried to be fed. Had cried to be changed. Had cried to be comforted. Had cried to be loved. Their cries were met with silence and so they, too, had learned to be silent. They had learned that they mattered to no one.
From as far back as Junior High I remember wanting to adopt one day and my time in this orphanage planted the desire firmly in my heart. While engaged my soon-to-be husband and I discussed the possibility of adopting. At the time our oldest was born we would not have qualified to adopt. Several years later we seriously considered fost/adopt, but with the demands of a residency schedule, God closed that door and we soon welcomed our second son by birth. Once again, several years later, after praying about adopting we felt it was not in God's timing and were soon blessed by the birth of our daughter (she has been a wonderful sleeper!). This time last year we were again trying to decide if we should persue adoption or try for another biological child. My husband suggested we take a month to pray about it and see where God was leading us. That month was November, which also happens to be adoption awareness month. Everywhere we turned there were articles, news stories and radio broadcasts about adoption. By the end of the month we both felt strongly that God was leading us to start the adoption process. We soon discovered, however, that adoption meant something different to each of us. He assumed that we would adopt a typically developing healthy child. After being with the kids in the orphanage, adoption always meant to me bringing a child home with special needs. Once again we prayed which direction God would have us go. To be honest, I assumed we would not be pursing a child with special needs. I knew of women who wanted to go that route for years, but their husbands were not comfortable with the idea. I knew there would be challenges that we had not experienced with our typically developing children and wanted us to both be on the same page from the beginning, so was sure not to pressure him into something he was not willing to do of his own accord. One week later he felt God give him the assurance we were to proceed with special needs adoption. He is just as excited to welcome our newest addition into our family as he was our first three. In August we sent our dossier (packet of official paperwork) with a request to adopt a little on year old boy in Asia. At this point we've been advised it's best to not reveal his country or disability on a public blog. We're hoping to be able to bring him home late next spring and if I get around to posting on here again I'll let you know more about him when I'm able to.
It's November once again. Adoption Awareness Month. I can not begin to describe on here the weight I feel for the children around the world and in our own foster care system waiting for a forever family. I believe caring for the orphan is a call to the church seen throughout scripture and while adoption is one way to do this there are many other ways it must be done as well. If you are not called to adopt, but want to be involved in caring for orphans, here are a few ideas:
1. Become a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to advocate for kids in foster care in your area.
2. Support a child through a place such as Bethany Christian Services or Holt International Children Services
3. If you're crafty consider donating items to the Hidden Treasure Auction to raise money for a family bringing home a boy from an orphanage in Eastern Europe.
4. Visit the auction between December 1-7 to bid on items. It's a great place to find Christmas presents! Hidden Treasures Auction
5. Educate yourself . . . about the needs of kids in foster care . . . about the needs of orphans worldwide. Read this blog post about how God used one family to open the doors to the orphanage where the children were severely neglected, but are now being cared for, seen as important and adopted. http://theblessingofverity.com/2012/10/the-story-of-katies-adoption/. The Hidden Treasures Auction is helping a family bring home one of these children.
6. Check out Reeces Rainbow to help financially support families in the process of adoption. Did you know that there are many families willing to adopt, but the finances seem overwhelming? There are stories over and over again of unexpected money coming in and fundraisers raising far more than expected. Money is not an obstacle to God and perhaps you could help one of those families take away the financial barrier.
7. Do you know a family who are foster parents or adoptive parents? Find practical ways to lend a helping hand (ask them how!) Educate yourself about the issues that can arise after adoption so you can be a support instead of passing judgement if the situation is difficult.
8. Pray and ask God if He would have you bring a child to your family through adoption. I ask not because I think God will lead everyone down the same path we are on. I ask because I've held the children who have no one to answer their cries. I ask because of the thousands of children in our foster care system hoping that one day they will be chosen. I ask because I have seen families knit together through adoption. I ask because perhaps God has a child waiting for your family, if only you'd ask.
If you are interested in learning more about adoption:
1. Listen to this Family Life broadcast.
2. Considered that "special needs" in international adoption can simply mean that the child had low birth weight, is missing a finger or has a birth mark. It can also mean conditions such as cerebral palsy and Down Syndrome that we normal associate with the term "special needs" Read this for some more information. Consider also that boys often wait longer for a forever family than girls.
3. Contant your local child protective services about being foster or adoptive parents to children here in the United States.
4. Contact an agency such as Bethan Christian Services that works in domestic infant adoption, foster care adoption and international adoption. There are many other adoption agencies as well.
5. Talk to a family you know that has or is in the processes of adopting to get more information.
6. Look at the new family info on Reeces Rainbow to find out more ways to get information.
James 1:27 - Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
As I sat listening to the sure signs of his sleeping with his slowly steady breathing I was suddenly reminded of a time back in college. Between my Junior and Senior year I traveled overseas and volunteered in an orphanage during the trip. The children I played with all had some sort of disability. None of them walked, but most all of them were eager for love and attention, even if from a stranger. The night I sat holding my infant son, however, I saw myself standing in the baby room of the orphanage. The exact number of metal cribs that lined the walls I have forgotten, but I distinctly remember six faces. I had enjoyed holding the babies with their large eyes, but as a 20 year old having never been a mother, one obvious fact escaped me until nine years later as I experienced motherhood for a second time. That baby room was silent. A room full of babies and not a sound. No doubt each one of those children had cried at one point. Had cried to be fed. Had cried to be changed. Had cried to be comforted. Had cried to be loved. Their cries were met with silence and so they, too, had learned to be silent. They had learned that they mattered to no one.
From as far back as Junior High I remember wanting to adopt one day and my time in this orphanage planted the desire firmly in my heart. While engaged my soon-to-be husband and I discussed the possibility of adopting. At the time our oldest was born we would not have qualified to adopt. Several years later we seriously considered fost/adopt, but with the demands of a residency schedule, God closed that door and we soon welcomed our second son by birth. Once again, several years later, after praying about adopting we felt it was not in God's timing and were soon blessed by the birth of our daughter (she has been a wonderful sleeper!). This time last year we were again trying to decide if we should persue adoption or try for another biological child. My husband suggested we take a month to pray about it and see where God was leading us. That month was November, which also happens to be adoption awareness month. Everywhere we turned there were articles, news stories and radio broadcasts about adoption. By the end of the month we both felt strongly that God was leading us to start the adoption process. We soon discovered, however, that adoption meant something different to each of us. He assumed that we would adopt a typically developing healthy child. After being with the kids in the orphanage, adoption always meant to me bringing a child home with special needs. Once again we prayed which direction God would have us go. To be honest, I assumed we would not be pursing a child with special needs. I knew of women who wanted to go that route for years, but their husbands were not comfortable with the idea. I knew there would be challenges that we had not experienced with our typically developing children and wanted us to both be on the same page from the beginning, so was sure not to pressure him into something he was not willing to do of his own accord. One week later he felt God give him the assurance we were to proceed with special needs adoption. He is just as excited to welcome our newest addition into our family as he was our first three. In August we sent our dossier (packet of official paperwork) with a request to adopt a little on year old boy in Asia. At this point we've been advised it's best to not reveal his country or disability on a public blog. We're hoping to be able to bring him home late next spring and if I get around to posting on here again I'll let you know more about him when I'm able to.
It's November once again. Adoption Awareness Month. I can not begin to describe on here the weight I feel for the children around the world and in our own foster care system waiting for a forever family. I believe caring for the orphan is a call to the church seen throughout scripture and while adoption is one way to do this there are many other ways it must be done as well. If you are not called to adopt, but want to be involved in caring for orphans, here are a few ideas:
1. Become a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to advocate for kids in foster care in your area.
2. Support a child through a place such as Bethany Christian Services or Holt International Children Services
3. If you're crafty consider donating items to the Hidden Treasure Auction to raise money for a family bringing home a boy from an orphanage in Eastern Europe.
4. Visit the auction between December 1-7 to bid on items. It's a great place to find Christmas presents! Hidden Treasures Auction
5. Educate yourself . . . about the needs of kids in foster care . . . about the needs of orphans worldwide. Read this blog post about how God used one family to open the doors to the orphanage where the children were severely neglected, but are now being cared for, seen as important and adopted. http://theblessingofverity.com/2012/10/the-story-of-katies-adoption/. The Hidden Treasures Auction is helping a family bring home one of these children.
6. Check out Reeces Rainbow to help financially support families in the process of adoption. Did you know that there are many families willing to adopt, but the finances seem overwhelming? There are stories over and over again of unexpected money coming in and fundraisers raising far more than expected. Money is not an obstacle to God and perhaps you could help one of those families take away the financial barrier.
7. Do you know a family who are foster parents or adoptive parents? Find practical ways to lend a helping hand (ask them how!) Educate yourself about the issues that can arise after adoption so you can be a support instead of passing judgement if the situation is difficult.
8. Pray and ask God if He would have you bring a child to your family through adoption. I ask not because I think God will lead everyone down the same path we are on. I ask because I've held the children who have no one to answer their cries. I ask because of the thousands of children in our foster care system hoping that one day they will be chosen. I ask because I have seen families knit together through adoption. I ask because perhaps God has a child waiting for your family, if only you'd ask.
If you are interested in learning more about adoption:
1. Listen to this Family Life broadcast.
2. Considered that "special needs" in international adoption can simply mean that the child had low birth weight, is missing a finger or has a birth mark. It can also mean conditions such as cerebral palsy and Down Syndrome that we normal associate with the term "special needs" Read this for some more information. Consider also that boys often wait longer for a forever family than girls.
3. Contant your local child protective services about being foster or adoptive parents to children here in the United States.
4. Contact an agency such as Bethan Christian Services that works in domestic infant adoption, foster care adoption and international adoption. There are many other adoption agencies as well.
5. Talk to a family you know that has or is in the processes of adopting to get more information.
6. Look at the new family info on Reeces Rainbow to find out more ways to get information.
James 1:27 - Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
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