On Life

Prior to our adoption I read with interest about the new prenatal testing to detect Down Syndrome earlier in pregnancy.  My interest was more intellectual than anything at that point.  While doing the paperwork end of adoption our son was still a picture, an idea, not yet a little boy in my arms.  I sat today rocking him to sleep for his nap and prenatal testing is far more personal.  It is talked about as a way to help parents prepare for parenting a child with Down Syndrome.  To prepare for therapies and possible medical treatments that would be needed.  Preparation is good, but the statistics show that a prenatal diagnosis of Down Syndrome is overwhelmingly not used for preparation, but rather termination.  Up to 80-90% of the time the parents choose abortion.  As I watch my son these first weeks home, those numbers strike a deep chord.  The statistics are about the same in Hong Kong, his birth country.  His mother did not get prenatal testing and for that I am eternally grateful.  No, I do not know the choice she would have made, but I know, statistically speaking, his chance of surviving pregnancy had she known would have only been 10-20%.  This is not, for me, just about the choice a woman makes, but also about the life of my son and children like him.  I could be easily labeled by some as judgmental and insensitive, but what judgement is being made by these statistics.  A judgement that a life with DS is a life not worth living in the eyes of so many and yet a survey done by Dr. Brian Skotko at Massachusetts General Hospital showed that "nearly 99% of people with DS indicated that they were happy with their lives, 97% liked who they are, and 96% liked how they looked."  Perhaps we could learn something from people with DS.  As I soak up the time I have with my little boy, I am grieving society's judgement that the obvious and understandable outcome of discovering a child has DS prenatally is termination.  Perhaps it is time we as a society examine the judgements we make about living life with disability.


PS - Here are two other surveys of parents and siblings of people with Down Syndrome by Dr. Brian Skotko.

Having a Son or Daughter With Down Syndrome: Perspectives From Mothers and Fathers
Having a Brother or Sister with Down Syndrome: Perspectives From Siblings

Welcome Home

We are home from Hong Kong with our little son! :)  I can not express how good it feels to say that after 18 months of paperwork.  There's still some paperwork to be done, but we can snuggle our little guy first and then get it done.

The trip over went well.  Our oldest son traveled with us and did a great job.  He struggled with trying new foods, but we anticipated that and brought along things for him to eat.  Sunday, the three of us went to Hong Kong Disneyland.  It's been awhile since I've been to Disneyland and it was every bit as fun as I remember.  It's not nearly as big there, so was easily seen in a day.  Jet lag set in mid afternoon, so we boarded the Disney train to catch the MTR (subway system) back to the hotel.

Monday morning we met the social worker and she took us to the foster home.  I wasn't sure how he'd react, so just planned to take things slowly, but the first thing I walked in the door and he wanted to be picked up.  Then my hubby walked in and my little guy wouldn't take his eyes off of Daddy.  After a few minutes he decided he wanted Daddy to hold him and quickly began inspecting his goatee.  That was quite interesting for a few days.  His foster mother got out the photo album we sent with pictures of our family.  Our oldest son was sitting beside him and when he got to a picture of his big brother he pointed to the picture and then poked his big brother.  We stayed at the foster home for several hours and then took him out with the social worker to lunch.  Since Daddy seemed to be the most interesting, Daddy carried him out.  Leaving his foster home was not easy.  Daddy said he was sobbing.  It was also about nap time, so that probably didn't help, but he finally went to sleep and slept most of the time we were out.

Tuesday we went back to the foster family's apartment to pick him up and bring him back to the hotel room.  The social worker wanted him to see where he would be staying before he stayed over night.  Again, it was nap time, so he slept most of our time together.

Wednesday we again boarded the double decker bus for the hour long trip to the foster family's apartment to meet with another social worker to sign papers and bring him back to stay with us the rest of our time.  When we walked in the door he was on the couch across the room.  He hopped off immediately and came walking over to us with a big grin.  One of his foster sister's is in her 20's and was there that day.  She had a particularly hard time saying goodbye and his foster mother did as well once it was time to leave.  Although adoption is a wonderful thing, there is loss involved and it is difficult to see that loss.  I am so grateful to his foster family for the love and care they gave him for most of his life.

We had originally planned to leave on Saturday, but ticket prices were crazy expensive that day, so we stayed until Sunday.  The rest of our time with him went well.  He slept like a rock, well, a very wiggly rock.  We wondered how eating would go, but he's not a very picky eater and he enjoyed playing with us.  Wednesday evening I taught him how to sign "more" and Friday morning he grabbed a box of toddler snacks, sat down and signed "more."

We are home now and slowly getting over jet lag.  He's had a harder time sleeping here in the States, which I think is in part due to jet lag, but also to all the changes he's had in the past week.  There's different sights, sounds, smells and tastes and it's a lot to take in for anyone.  He loves playing with his big brothers and sisters.  Today they were rolling on the floor together and afterwards our second oldest told me that he's so glad we adopted him.  Our little girl has been doing pretty well him, but I anticipate she'll have the hardest time adjusting as she's no longer the baby.  He thinks her pacificer is quite funny and enjoys pulling it out.  Most of the time she thinks it's a fun game until bed time when she's tired and had enough.  Our oldest has enjoyed playing with him and getting to carry him around.

It's only been a little over a week since we've had him and we are still trying to prepare for a time that he'll realize that he's not going back and morn what he's lost, but this initial transition has gone well.  Much better than I expected.  It takes him a few minutes before he's sure his eyes will open after waking up, but once he's awake a huge grin spreads across is face.  He toddles around keeping himself occupied with all the fun toys on the ground and things to be discovered on the table tops (good motivation to keep the table clean!).  He wants Mama to hold him when he not sure what's going on and perhaps it's wishful thinking but "Mama" has been uttered several times.  At meal time when I ask if he wants more he giggles a little and that infectious smile spreads across his face as he claps his hands.  He giggles in delight as he splashes in the tub and when the day is done he melts into Mama's arms as I rock him to sleep.  My heart is full having all my kids home with me.

After the last blog we did hear something from Hong Kong.  We received the High Court Order which is the last official step needed in order get travel dates.  We are headed to HK!  Planes tickets have been purchased, hotels are booked, bags are being packed and butterflies are racing widely around in my stomach!  I'm trying to not think about the fact that I get sick on planes.  The good thing is that I'm not pregnant or nursing so I can take some meds to help curb that.  We have a boy who is eagerly going through his carry-on and can't wait to play with the activities in there.   He'll help bring his little brother home.  Soon we'll have our baby home!

I arrived home tonight from an unexpected visit to Idaho.  I forgot how many pictures of my son I have up around the house and it broke my heart.  I should not be holding pictures.  I should be holding my boy.  Friday came and went.  Friday was yet another day we were supposed to hear that the next step in the adoption process was done.  Friday we were supposed to get our travel dates.  Friday came and went with silence.  Perhaps tomorrow.  Or perhaps not.  I look at my calendar and see family events that I was not supposed to be able to attend.  Maybe now I will.  And while I will be happy to celebrate, they will also be reminders that I am there because my boy is not here.  It is a fight every moment to not let the "what ifs" take over.  I've heard adoption likened to a high risk pregnancy, only complications in this instance can make things drag on and on.  And sometimes you loose your child.  While I don't anticipate that happening I still feel the "what if" in the back of my mind.  I've been reading 1 and 2 Corinthians and have been encouraged to see that Paul was at a place of despairing and God carried him through.  I know my God is faithful through the excitement  as well as the hard parts of this journey.   He is holding my son even when I can not.

Longs. Waits. Pursues.

As I sat to write this post I realized that most of those reading this will know more details of our son than I gave in the one and only other post on this blog, but some may  not.  We received matching approval the end of November and immigration approval the end of January.  We're anticipating going to pick him up some time in May, but the exact time remains to be seen.  And while I can not share pictures publicly until the adoption is finalized, I can guarantee you that he is adorable!  Our sweet boy is 1.5, has Down Syndrome and was described by his social worker as an active little boy who moves swiftly.

The end of our pre-adoption journey is coming to a close and the hard work of real life as a family of six will soon begin.  It's a journey for me that, in one sense, has been 20+ years in the making and in the technical "paper pregnancy" sense has been 17 going on 18 months.

I just returned from a women's retreat where Kim McLean and Devon O'Day spoke.  Kim briefly spoke about prevenient grace which is a technical way of speaking about the grace given us by God before we are adopted into His family.  She said He longs, waits for and pursues us.  Longs. Waits. Pursues.  Those three words struck me as I sat there in the process of my own longing, waiting and pursuing.

In Luke 15:1-7 Jesus tells what has been called the parable of the lost sheep.

"Now the tax collectors and 'sinners' were all gathering around to hear him.  But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered 'This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.'  Then Jesus told them this parable: 'Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them.  Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home.  Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.'  I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."  

Growing up I saw a painting of the shepherd in search of his lost sheep and to me that search was devoid of emotion.  The emotion came at the finding of the sheep.  The emotion was not in the process, but in the discovery.  And then I heard the words longs, waits, pursues and suddenly the picture of the search was infused with emotion.  My heart is full of joy with my children at home, but at the same time it aches with longing for my son who is half a world away.  Our wait is not a passive wait, but is filled with preparation for his arrival.  He will be our son because of a purposeful pursuit that has taken much time and effort.  And so it is with God.  Longs. Waits. Pursues.  That is what Christ has done for those that have been adopted into His family.  That is what Christ is doing right now for you who are not yet apart of His family.  I have only gotten a glimpse of the depth of emotion in those three words that God feels.  Stop and see His longing, His waiting and His pursuit of you.

It was the third or maybe the forth time my 3 month old son had woken up in the middle of that winter night, I had lost track.  It was my hope that my second son would sleep better than his older brother had as a baby, but it was not to be.  My husband was working nights, so it was up to me to respond to the crying once again.  I willed my body to roll over even though every muscle felt as heavy as a log.  After re-swaddling my little bundle and trying in vain to get the pacifier to soothe him, I sat up to nurse him back to sleep.  This was a scene that was played over many night in a week, but this particular night was different.

As I sat listening to the sure signs of his sleeping with his slowly steady breathing I was suddenly reminded of a time back in college.  Between my Junior and Senior year I traveled overseas and volunteered in an orphanage during the trip.  The children I  played with all had some sort of disability. None of them walked, but most all of them were eager for love and attention, even if from a stranger.  The night I sat holding my infant son, however, I saw myself standing in the baby room of the orphanage.  The exact number of metal cribs that lined the walls I have forgotten, but I distinctly remember six faces.  I had enjoyed holding the babies with their large eyes, but as a 20 year old having never been a mother, one obvious fact escaped me until nine years later as I experienced motherhood for a second time.  That baby room was silent.  A room full of babies and not a sound.  No doubt each one of those children had cried at one point.  Had cried to be fed.  Had cried to be changed. Had cried to be comforted.  Had cried to be loved.  Their cries were met with silence and so they, too, had learned to be silent.  They had learned that they mattered to no one.

From as far back as Junior High I remember wanting to adopt one day and my time in this orphanage planted the desire firmly in my heart.  While engaged my soon-to-be husband and I discussed the possibility of adopting.  At the time our oldest was born we would not have qualified to adopt.  Several years later we seriously considered fost/adopt, but with the demands of a residency schedule, God closed that door and we soon welcomed our second son by birth.  Once again, several years later, after praying about adopting we felt it was not in God's timing and were soon blessed by the birth of our daughter (she has been a wonderful sleeper!).  This time last year we were again trying to decide if we should persue adoption or try for another biological child.  My husband suggested we take a month to pray about it and see where God was leading us.  That month was November, which also happens to be adoption awareness month.  Everywhere we turned there were articles, news stories and radio broadcasts about adoption.  By the end of the month we both felt strongly that God was leading us to start the adoption process.  We soon discovered, however, that adoption meant something different to each of us.  He assumed that we would adopt a typically developing healthy child. After being with the kids in the orphanage, adoption always meant to me bringing a child home with special needs.  Once again we prayed which direction God would have us go.  To be honest, I assumed we would not be pursing a child with special needs.  I knew of women who wanted to go that route for years, but their husbands were not comfortable with the idea.  I knew there would be challenges that we had not experienced with our typically developing children and wanted us to both be on the same page from the beginning, so was sure not to pressure him into something he was not willing to do of his own accord.  One week later he felt God give him the assurance we were to proceed with special needs adoption.  He is just as excited to welcome our newest addition into our family as he was our first three.  In August we sent our dossier (packet of official paperwork) with a request to adopt a little on year old boy in Asia.  At this point we've been advised it's best to not reveal his country or disability on a public blog.  We're hoping to be able to bring him home late next spring and if I get around to posting on here again I'll let you know more about him when I'm able to.

It's November once again.  Adoption Awareness Month.  I can not begin to describe on here the weight I feel for the children around the world and in our own foster care system waiting for a forever family.  I believe caring for the orphan is a call to the church seen throughout scripture and while adoption is one way to do this there are many other ways it must be done as well.  If you are not called to adopt, but want to be involved in caring for orphans, here are a few ideas:

1.  Become a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to advocate for kids in foster care in your area.

2.  Support a child through a place such as Bethany Christian Services or Holt International Children Services

3.  If you're crafty consider donating items to the Hidden Treasure Auction to raise money for a family bringing home a boy from an orphanage in Eastern Europe.

4.  Visit the auction between December 1-7 to bid on items.  It's a great place to find Christmas presents! Hidden Treasures Auction

5. Educate yourself . . . about the needs of kids in foster care . . . about the needs of orphans worldwide.  Read this blog post about how God used one family to open the doors to the orphanage where the children were severely neglected, but are now being cared for, seen as important and adopted.  http://theblessingofverity.com/2012/10/the-story-of-katies-adoption/.  The Hidden Treasures Auction is helping a family bring home one of these children.

6.  Check out Reeces Rainbow to help financially support families in the process of adoption.  Did you know that there are many families willing to adopt, but the finances seem overwhelming?  There are stories over and over again of unexpected money coming in and fundraisers raising far more than expected.  Money is not an obstacle to God and perhaps you could help one of those families take away the financial barrier.

7.  Do you know a family who are foster parents or adoptive parents?  Find practical ways to lend a helping hand (ask them how!)  Educate yourself about the issues that can arise after adoption so you can be a support instead of passing judgement if the situation is difficult.

8.  Pray and ask God if He would have you bring a child to your family through adoption.  I ask not because I think God will lead everyone down the same path we are on.  I ask because I've held the children who have no one to answer their cries.  I ask because of the thousands of children in our foster care system hoping that one day they will be chosen.  I ask because I have seen families knit together through adoption.  I ask because perhaps God has a child waiting for your family, if only you'd ask.

If you are interested in learning more about adoption:

1.  Listen to this Family Life broadcast.

2.  Considered that "special needs" in international adoption can simply mean that the child had low birth weight, is missing a finger or has a birth mark. It can also mean conditions such as cerebral palsy and Down Syndrome that we normal associate with the term "special needs"  Read this for some more information.  Consider also that boys often wait longer for a forever family than girls.

3.  Contant your local child protective services about being foster or adoptive parents to children here in the United States.

4.  Contact an agency such as Bethan Christian Services that works in domestic infant adoption, foster care adoption and international adoption.  There are many other adoption agencies as well.

5.  Talk to a family you know that has or is in the processes of adopting to get more information.

6.  Look at the new family info on Reeces Rainbow to find out more ways to get information.

James 1:27 - Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.